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-- Weaselo: Right in there, Gandledorf! /It's horrible!/ -- Snapekin: Chop-chop-chop! Its every slice guarantees my victory over that... Torg! Gandledorf: *Snapekin! "Chop-chop-chop" indeed!* -- Snapekin: Gandledorf. What brings you to my study? Gandledorf: /*Murder!*/ -- (Snapekin looks horrified as he spots the apparent decapitated head of Torg -- the knife he's holding still red with tomato juice) -- Snapekin: What? I know nothing of this! Gandledorf: I didn't think your jealousy would drive you to this! /*This!*/ -- Gandledorf: Let's go! Snapekin (as he's escorted out by four duh-mentors): This is a trick! A game! This is really quite /*unacceptable!*/ -- Homogenize: It's safe now Torg! They're gone! -- Torg: A little ketchup and an invisibility cloak! Beautiful! -- Torg: And the world is saved once again. Gandledorf: *What is going on here?* -- Gandledorf: I return to comfort the children and what do I find? *You three do not know the seriousness of the mischief you have done today!* Torg: *But... Snapekin was...* Homogenize: Snapekin was using the sandwich competition as a way to steal the /Sorcerer's Nuts!/ Weaselo: We /had/ to stop him before it was too late! -- Gandledorf: What? The *Sorcerer's Nuts?* That old myth? What would make you think that? Homogenize: I overheard you talking to Professor Goobergal about the nuts being in the school! -- </Flashback> Goobergal (as a cat): Do you think it's safe? Gandledorf: We must be careful... The Sorcerer's nuts! </End flashback> -- Gandledorf: Miss Milktoast, what I was saying was that the sorcerer /*is*/ nuts! *He's crazy!* That's why I had to lock him up on the third floor! He thinks he's a /troll!/ Even transmoged himself to look like one! Homogenize: *Opps!* [sic: should be "*Oops*"] Um, oh. uh-oh. Never mind that /oops/. So anyway, how ya all doin? -- Gandledorf: This is *unforgivable.* I am /most/ disappointed with you, *Torg Potter.* You carry on like a... Torg: /Torg "Potter?"/ My last name isn't /"Potter!"/ -- Gandledorf: It isn't? Torg: No. Gandledorf: Not even a little? Torg: No. -- Gandledorf: /*Heh-heh!*/ Well, it seems a little mistake has been made. No big deal! Nothing that needs to be mentioned in /*public*/ for example! -- Torg: I don't think /any/ mistakes were made here today. Just some misunderstandings. Gandledorf: Hardly anything at all! Torg and Gandledorf: /*Ho-ho-ho! Ha-ha-ha!*/ -- Gandledorf: Right. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go rescue Snapekin from the /duh-mentors/ before they break out the feather dusters on him. Torg, Homogenize, and Weaselo: Whew! | Flag | ||||
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Homogenize: *Goodbye Headmaster!* Gandledorf: See you both next term! -- Gandledorf (holding his wand to Torg's head, creating a silvery glow): I need you to think on Lord Moldypants for a moment. | /YOU'ESBEEBAKUP/ -- <**BEEEYOOOINNNG...**> (Gandledorf's wand pulls a silvery strand from Torg's head) Torg: *What are you doing?* Gandledorf: You may need to reflect on your memories with clarity in the future... -- Gandledorf: Wow, normally these brain-threads are longer. Torg: Yeah, ha-ha, get out of my head. What has got you so worried? -- Gandledorf: Snapekin has been released from the wizard-prison and is on his way home. That means you are back to being a wanted man. Both by the forces of wizard-justice for Flamolas Nikel's murder, /*and*/ by the forces of Lord Moldypants who believe you are the true Torg Potter. Torg: Bum raps both. -- Torg: And since William Wotcherclaws impersonated one of your delivery men to deliver that Jibporter, Moldypants knows where I live. I have nowhere to go. Gandledorf: That should not be a problem for you, at least! -- Moldypants (in a Girl scout uniform, with Wotcherclawas and another Death Eater similarly dressed): When he answers the door we drop our Witchy-Scout cookies and /*strike!*/ It's /*perfect!*/ Where does Torg live, William? William: Me? I thought /you/ knew! *I don't have /any/ idea!!!* -- Torg (confused): /Wait!/ Are you saying you /know/ where Wotcherclaws is and you had a Forgetmelots curse /cast on him?/ -- Gandledorf: Torg, that curse is banned! It means a lifetime imprisonment to any caught using it! Sure the Dark Wizards throw banned curses around like confetti, but we have to come up with better solutions or risk becoming dark wizards ourselves! Trust me! Torg: Yeaaaaaaahhhh*NO.* -- Gandledorf: This is goodbye. I want to thank you for your help over the last few terms, but I feel you've done all you can. It is time to go back to your Muggle world and possibly probably never return. -- Torg: Are you saying I'm /never/ coming back to Hoggelrynth? Can I have that in one of those /"Magically Binding Contract"/ thingies? Gandledorf: I'll say this much. If you do return to this school it'll mean something has gone horribly wrong and you'll be in great danger! -- Torg: Like every other time I've been here! I get the distinct feeling that you've yet to tell me the truth about /*anything!*/ And I'm praying you made up the "fondle" bit for a 1-shot gag! Gandledorf: Me too! -- Torg: How about trying to be honest and straight-up with me for once? You might like it! Gandledorf (turning away, his wand hand hidden): I shall try. *AHEM* /"It is the truth that this is for your own good!"/ -- Gandeldorf: /FORGETYOUBLIVIATE!/ -- Caption: The End(*) | (*)Until Something goes Horribly Wrong! | Flag | ||||
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Random Poinginoh (chewing on the statue): Gnaw Gnaw <heart> Random Poinginoh #2: You know, I didn't think Torg was guilty before, but that wall is pretty convincing! Random Wunnybun: He was annoyed with Professor Lumphead earlier! I saw it! Professor Snapekin: Let us see how the headmaster deals with you *now,* Torg! -- Caption: Gandledorf's office (Torg is standing alone in the middle of a large, mostly empty room, in front of the desk which is the only furniture) -- (Torg looks at a red handkerchief with a golden bird depicted on it, hanging from a brass hanger on the desk.) -- <**POOF**> (The handkerchief disappears as Torg looks at it, startling him) -- Gandledorf (at the top of the stairs): Ah, Torg! You look troubled. -- Torg: Gandledorf, I saw this handkerchief, and it just disappeared in front of me. Gandledorf (off panel; walking down the stairs): That is no ordinary handkerchief. It is a magical disposable handkerchief, called the Kleonix. Once it is full, it disposes of itself and creates another. A truly remarkable creation. -- Gandledorf: You would do well to look into the Kleonix, for you never know what treasures it holds! Torg: We're going from emptied chamberpots to full handkerchiefs. This is all just getting nasty, OK? So let's just tone it back. -- Gandledorf: Calm down Torg. Smoke? Torg (glaring suspiciously): No thanks. Gandledorf: No, do you *have* any smokes? I'm jonesin'! Besides, there's nothing to worry about! -- Torg: Nothing to worry about? Half the school thinks I'm a murderer! Someone thinks they're framing me, but I'm not even who I'm supposed to be! And that demented little house-elf Gobby is mailing me photos of *pliers!* Gandledorf: Relax, Torg. Here, have this bottle of gin. -- Torg (annoyed): It's empty. Gandledorf: Right, be a good lad and fill it for me. And grab me a pack of smokes. Torg (angrily): Are you senile? I'm not going to run errands for you! I'm about to get lynched! -- Gandledorf: I understand your concerns, but know this, Torg. My powers are vast and your safety is my primary concern. As long as I am headmaster of this school, you are safe in its walls. <**Knock-Knock**> -- Lucius Malfoy: Gandledorf, you are to be removed from Hoggelrynth. Section 19-353 of the headmaster clause. "If two or more murders occur via candy, confection, or baked goods, the headmaster is to be removed immediately." -- Gandledorf (summons forth a hobo sack with his belongings; and pats Torg on the shoulder): Oh, /*that*/ section. Right-o! I'm off. Good luck, Torg! <Pat> <Pat> -- Lucius: Lastnameless One. Torg: Luscious. -- Lucius: It's *Lucius! My name is /LUCIUS!/ -- Lucius (off panel; leaving as Torg waves cheerfully): **BAH!** <**SLAM!**> -- Torg (looking downcast): Well, I'm screwed. | Flag | ||||
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Gandledorf: Because I believe you /*did*/ kill Flamolas Nikel! Torg: /*I didn't shoot him, I swear!*/ -- Gandledorf: I know, Torg. He was obviously killed by the Killing Curse. Notice how his arm popped off at the elbow? A nasty spell, damages every cell in the body. -- Gandledorf: I had to make sure you weren't an enemy using a doppelganging "Nilly-Potion" to take on your appearance. Someone who would *not* know you were magicless and who /*could*/ have killed Nikel with a killing curse. Gandledorf: Your Muggle "shoot" response has put me at ease, Torg. Not many wizards pay enough attention to Muggles to understand guns. -- Torg: Why would you assume a "Nilly-Potion" was used? Gandledorf: It makes tactical sense! And as a completely separate issue someone stole Professor Snapekin's Nilly-Stash. -- Torg: *Snapekin!* At the /Moldypants Revival Party/ I saw Lucius Malfoy state that he had someone on your faculty helping him get Nikel into the competition! It *has* to be Snapekin! Gandledorf: I assume you have proof of this? Torg: Outside of being a witness to Malfoy, no. -- Gandledorf: There is also no "proof" that you killed Nikel, but for an arena full of "witnesses." A group of Duh-mentors are on their way here under the Minister's direct order to incarcerate you forever and suck out your soul over the course of torturous decades. -- Gandledorf: This war has become complicated before it has even begun. Torg: What do we do? -- Gandledorf: Torg, there are difficult days ahead. The time will come when we all have to choose between what is right and what is easy. -- Gandledorf (looking over the rims of his glasses slyly): Which do you think (*)I(*) shall choose? -- Torg (as the Duh-mentors drag him away): **YOU BASTARD! /YOU FREAKING/ BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!** Finster: Sentenced to life at the wizard prison. Not the end we expected for Torg the Lastnameless one, is it? Gandledorf: No, Minister Finster! | Goodbye Torg! Don't let the door "force you to sit on a cactus" on the way out! -- Caption: The End? === NOTE: _Nilly Potion Ref_ <http://www.sluggy.com/daily.php?date=030930> | Flag | ||||
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Torg: /*Hey!* What *gives?*/ -- Gandledorf: I'm glad Madame Nursey was able to heal your injuries and clean you up, Torg, but we've got Minister Finster waiting in my office and duh-mentors on their way to arrest you so /forgive me dispensing with the niceties! Gandledorf: /ACCIO BUTT-KICK-BOOT!/ -- Gandledorf: /**PUNTOCKS!**/ <***BOOT***> Torg: /*Ow!*/ -- Torg: /*WHAT THE HELL?*/ Gandledorf: I can /feel/ him. He /is/ back, isn't he? -- Torg: Millard Stoop? Yeah. He's going by "Lord Moldypants" now. /What/ was /up/ with anagramming his name, Gandeldorf [sic: should be "Gandledorf"]? Gandledorf: It's a wizard thing. I spent three years of my life as "Grad Fondle" until the graduate students petitioned. -- Gandledorf: No matter. The nightmare is beginning again. A wizard war is unavoidable. Torg: Really? He didn't seem all *that* impressive. -- Gandledorf: He is powerful, resilient, and draws evil to him. He should *never* be underestimated. That was my mistake when he was my grad-student and I fondled him! Torg (creeped out): /Whoa! *Whoaaaa!/ No /wonder/ he's messed up!* -- Gandledorf: Hey, it was an effect of the anagram! It forms a /magically binding contract!/ I only fondled his feet, and I didn't like it! Torg: /*Too much info! GYAH!*/ -- Gandledorf: OK, let's pretend I didn't say anything. | So, anywho, as I was saying... He's back. I can /feeeel/ him! Torg: *Whoa! /Whoaaaa!!!/ No you can't! Bad wizard! Bad, /BAD/ wizard!* | Flag | ||||
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Gandledorf: This school session has not yet started. We needed to talk so I gibaltered your position. You know, jibporting! Giblet-travel, we do it all the time! You should have known when you saw the giblets! -- Torg: Why would I recognize "giblet-travel"? I've never even heard of it before. Flying brooms, fireplace-to-fireplace teleporting, even hottie-magic-buses... but *giblets?!?* -- Gandledorf: *Jibporting is simply the most popular and least cumbersome way of travel.* I don't have time to divine why you haven't learned that by now. I'll just pretend like you do and move along. -- (Gandledorf reveals a sign that says, "The Official 250th Try-Gizzard Tournament! | Tastes Great! Less Filling!" Gandledorf: This term we're having the *TRY-GIZZARD TOURNAMENT.* I know, it's all very exciting, but I don't want you having any illusions of competing in it. Torg: The Try-Gizz... whuts... *You eat gizzards?!?* I am sensing an ugly theme here! -- Gandledorf: But... You *can't* not know about the /"Tri-Gizzard [sic: should be "Try-Gizzard"] Tournament"!/ It is only the *biggest wizard challenge ever created,* where one student is chosen as *wizard-supreme!* You can't even *pretend* to have never heard of it! It's more popular than that game you play with the broom-flying and the ball-picking-up! *How can you not have heard of it?!?* -- Gandledorf: I'm just pretending that you know and moving on. Honestly you make me sound like I alter wizard mythology every time you visit and /*act*/ like everybody knows that's the way it was! -- Gandledorf: Anywho, since we are hosting the event, the students from the other wizarding schools will be here for the term. It will be harder for me than usual to keep you safe with all the new guests. -- Torg (skeptically): There are other wizarding schools? Gandledorf: Yes! We only talk about them *all the damn time!!! Pretending and moving on!!!* -- Torg: You've actually ever "tried to keep me safe?" Gandledorf: OK, you got me on that one! === NOTE: _Torg Potter and the Sorcerer's Nuts_ <http://www.sluggy.com/daily.php?date=020902> _Torg Potter and the Chamberpot of Secretions_ <http://www.sluggy.com/daily.php?date=030915> _Torg Potter and the President from Arkansas_ <http://www.sluggy.com/daily.php?date=050822> | Flag | ||||
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(The school yearbook is open to pictures of Millard Stoop ("You shall all bow before me when I[cut off]") and Zeral St[cut off] ("I was, like, /*so*/ not going to bow to[cut off]")) -- Gandledorf: He murdered the real Torg Potter's parents and was going to do worse to the infant Torg when his evil was somehow ferociously reflected back on him. It left him destroyed. (Gandledorf is looking at the now closed "Some Years Back Yearbook") -- Torg: "Reflected?" /How?/ Gandledorf: I can not say. Torg: What spell was he trying to cast on the baby? Gandledorf: I'm not sure. It was a /combination/ of spells! -- Torg: *You know something you're not sharing!* Gandledorf: *The secret rhymes with "bunbearable glenbarrising purses"* Torg (tossing a giblet towards his open mouth): Oh I'm sorry! Rhymes do not apply! Thanks for playing, /buh-bye!/ -- <***PORT!***> Gandledorf: Torg, you fool. Like it or not, you *are* the decoy Torg Potter, and where ever [sic: should be "wherever"] you go he will find you. And then you will see the green light and hear the most terrifying magical words ever uttered. Gandledorf: And it will be over. -- (A gravesite overlooking a small house and a large "estate"; the gravestone with a creepy statue on it reads "Here lies | Fulton D. Stoop | Beloved Father and Husband and also wanted a creepy statue on his tombstone. | Go figure." -- Caption: The Stoop Estate... <click> (A light turns on in the Stoop mansion) -- Crochety Muggle Caretaker: /Grrr.../ damn kids! -- William Wotcherclaws (in weasel form): I have done it, Master! I intercepted Gandledorf's delivery man and have identified /Torg Potter!/ Millard (rasping/whispering): Excellent, William. You know what must next be done! -- William Wotcherclaws (in weasel form): Wait... Do I know you? Millard (rasping/whispering): Focus William. William Wotcherclaws (in weasel form): I hear someone coming! -- (The caretaker bursts into the room, as William reverts to human form) <***BASH!***> Crotchety Muggle Caretaker: *Get off my lawn! You damn kids /GET OFF MY LAWN!/* -- Millard (rasping/whispering): We are not kids, and we are not on *your* lawn, muggle. William Wotcherclaws: /Yeah!/ We are not kids, and we are not on /*your*/ lawn, /muggle./ -- Crotchety Muggle Caretaker: Hmmm. With the kids it's the cane waggling and "Get off my lawn you damn kids." With inside the house it's... -- </**snap**/> Crotchety Muggle Caretaker: *The shotgun and /"You're trespassing! I'm alerting the authorities!"/* -- Crotchety Muggle Caretaker: I'll be right back, you damn adults! -- Millard (rasping/whispering): Give this muggle a proper greeting, William! William Wotcherclaws: /*Abra-Ka-Stabya!*/ (William points his wand at the caretaker and stabs him dead with magical green energy) | Flag | ||||
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Goobergal (off panel): You've all been sorted into one of our four houses. The overly curious *Poinginoh.* -- (Red banner of a gold dragonish creature eating things; Torg, Homogenize and Weaselo sit with others) Goobergal (off panel): The noble and ravenous *Snackewyrm.* -- (Yellow banner of a dog doing its business, with a 'no' circle/slash over it; three students and four flies at this table) Goobergal (off panel): The conscientious yet pungent *Pooperscoop.* -- (A green banner of a bunny wielding a sword and an axe; snarling students beneath, including Ralfoy Malfoy.) Goobergal (off panel): And house *Wunnybun,* because we like keeping all our bad guys in one place for simplified management. -- Goobergal (as a cat): Remember, your house is like your family here. Your triumphs will earn you points for your house. Any rule breaking will lose you points. Points are redeemable at the end of the year at our Hoggelrynth gift shop. Now, a word from our headmaster. -- Comic Title: Sluggy Freelance presents: | Torg Potter and the Sorcerer's Nuts (A frieze presenting the teachers): Professor Santory Snapekin: Potions Professor Squirrelle: Protection from Dark and Poorly Drawn Art Professor Boogeyna Goobergal: Transmogrification Busdolf Gandledorf: Headmaster Professor Willowstick: Charms Tawny Quichons: Animals, Vegetables and Minerals Madame Koochie-koochie: Defying Gravity Gandledorf: On behalf of the entire teaching staff I would like to offer this heartfelt welcome to our first year students, to the /*Hoggelryth [sic: Should be "Hoggelrynth"] School of Magic!*/ -- Gandledorf: Some announcements: A great wizard known only as 'The Sorcerer' is visiting us. He is to be left in peace. -- Gandledorf (off panel): Along that note, all students are to keep away from the third floor west wing unless they wish their forearm skin to be stripped off to the elbow like pieces of string cheese, unto death. Torg: Who's the creepy looking teach who's been giving me the evil eye? Student #1: That's Professor Snapekin. Head of Wunnybun House. -- Gandledorf (off panel): Also, reminding all students that they are not to wander the halls after curfew unless they wish their eyes plucked out and to then be strangled by their retina cords unto death. Student #1 (off panel): He teaches Potions, but you know it's the Dark and Poorly Drawn Art that /he/ fancies. -- (Snapekin glares evilly at Torg) Gandledorf (off panel): One last note from the cooking staff: -- Gandledorf (off panel): Anyone unhappy with the meal planning should keep their opinions to themselves. Unless they wish for a severe tongue-lashing. Weaselo: I can bloody live with that! Gandledorf: Unto death. Weaselo: /*D'oh*/ -- Quite Overlicked Nick: /*THEY MEAN IT TOO!*/ Student #2: */It's "Quite Overlicked Nick"!/ The ghost of House Snackewyrm!* -- Nick: *Torg the Lastnameless One! /Haha!/* Well we expect great things of you! *Terrible,* yet great! And maybe nice and great! *And awfully terribly nice.* -- Homogenize: How does someone die from a /tongue-lashing,/ really? Nick: It was three hundred years ago, on blood-pudding and headcheese night! Torg: *Check, please!* | Flag | ||||
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Student: Look! The Goblet! <Poof> -- Gandledorf: What now? -- Gandledorf (reading the ticket): "Flamolas Nikel shall compete, and if he prevails against the Hoggelrynth champion in the Tri-Gizzard [sic: should be "Try-Gizzard"] Tournament, this school shall become his." -- Gandledorf: *Who the hell is Flamolas Nikel?* -- Flamolas Nikel: That would be me. Flamolas Nikel, five time Wizardlympic gold medal winner. Finster: Sorry about this, Gandledorf, ol' chap! -- Finster: I, Minister Finster of the Ministry of Ministering, was at the wizard poker hall last night and said to Nikel here, "I bet the Hoggelrynth champion could beat you in the Tri-Gizzard [sic: should be "Try-Gizzard"] Tournament" and Flamolas said "How much would you wager on that..." Male student: Gasp! Female student: Is it /true?/ Weaselo Ronsnaps: /We'll lose the school?/ -- Gandledorf: Students calm down. We're not going to lose our school. Lucius Malfoy: /And/ have it turned into condos. -- Gandledorf: Come again? Lucius Malfoy: You /should/ have said "We're not going to lose our school and have it turned into condos." But you are wrong in this. -- Torg (off panel): Hey! /*Luscious!*/ Lucius: *My name is Lucius, /damn you Torg!/* Torg (off panel): Not from this angle! /Woo-hoo!/ | Flag | ||||
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Gandledorf: He was an amazing athlete of Olympic levels, and fierce, /*fierce*/ friend of his bookie and potion'roid dealer. His death has affected each one of us... -- Gandledorf: ...since now we get to keep our school! -- Crowd: ***YAY!*** ***HOORAY!*** ***PRAISE TORG FOR KILLING HIM!*** (Hats are thrown into the air; wands shoot sparks) -- Gandledorf: There are difficult days ahead. The time will come when we all have to choose between what is right and what is easy. --- Gandledorf: You see, the Ministry of Ministering wants you to believe that he was murdered by Wizard Supreme Torg, but this is not the truth. It was the Dark Lord, "You Probably Don't Know Who," and /he has returned! - (The students are looking terrified) - Gandledorf (off panel): You will know him as Lord Moldypants, and he will *turn* you to evil, *murder* your parents, and *eat* your pets! I do not know whether this is right or easy, but dammit, students, he could be here /*any moment! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!*/ -- Students: ***AAAAAAAGH!*** <**Stampede!!!**> -- Goobergal (as a cat): Was that really necessary, Headmaster? Gandledorf: I rented this hall out for a Bar Mitzvah in an hour and the caterers showed up early. | Flag | ||||
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-- Torg: Gobby knew there was a plot afoot. Interesting that it entailed a book like "How to be Possessed by You Probably Don't Know Who". Not exactly Miss Milktoast's taste in books. Unless of course someone who knew of the book's existence found it at Sheds & Lorders (which carries every book that ever existed), and slipped said book to her when his son crashed into her. /Hmmm./ -- Lucius Malfoy: You are on dangerous ground, Torg /Potter!/ What exactly are you accusing me of? Torg: Not a /thing,/ Luscious! Lucius: *For the last time, my name is Lucius!* -- Torg: Not according to this book I got from Sheds & Lorders: /"Luscious Malfoy's Guide to Public Debauchery (AKA Warlocks Gone Wild 4)!"/ -- Torg: Not that I grabbed a hair off you, mixed it with a Nilly-potion, and used it to take your form only to take embarrassing pictures of you and compile it in a book so it would show up at Sheds & Lorders for me to present to you here! If this were to fall into the wrong... Lucius: /*WHAT...*/ do you want? -- Torg (tossing the book out the window): To give it to you. Catch! -- Lucius (half way out the window): Ha! Got it! -- (Torg boots him the rest of the way out of the window) <**BOOT!**> -- (Lucius Malfoy plunges out the window toward a cart labeled "Manure Cart") -- <**SPLAT**> Gobby: Gobby so happy that Lastnameless One is safe! Torg: You're next Gobby! Now where do I find a paper shredder on such short notice? -- Busdolf Gandledorf: Blunt as ever, Torg. Gobby: *Master!* -- Torg: Gandledorf? Gobby is /*your* house-elf? -- Torg: *You knew!* You've finally found the real Torg Potter, and you knew he was in danger! You sent Gobby to herd me back here as /*bait!*/ Gandledorf: It was rather unnerving when the real Torg Potter turned to chocolate in front of me, only to turn back to normal seconds later during your ordeal with the Djinn. -- Torg: And you knew it was a Djinn behind these attacks! That's why you sent me the Djinn Bottle! Gandledorf: I suspected. But there is a more important question to be asked now. -- Gandledorf (as Torg glares menacingly at him): Are you going to throw me out the window too? -- Torg (handing Gobby over the Gandledorf): If I ever have to set foot in this school again, you can guess where I'm going to put the other one. -- Torg: I'm out of here. Stupid crazy magic school. -- Gandledorf: Gobby, fetch my chainmail briefs just in case. -- Caption: And he walked out the door. THE END | Flag | ||||
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-- (Torg glares at Gandledorf) Gandledorf: You are in danger whether you believe it or not, Torg. You are the Lastnameless one of record and your record, including home address, was stolen the day that Blearious Stank escaped. Someone is working with Stank to hunt you down. The Ministry immediately sent the succubus for your retrieval. I had nothing to do with this. -- Gandledorf: We will catch Stank. It will be best for you to go to class and not worry about a thing. -- (Torg turns away, wearing a shirt with the Snackewyrm mascot that says "Party Wyrm"; Gandledorf shooing Torg away with his hands) Torg: Why am I the "Lastnameless One of record?" Where was this information kept? Gandledorf: It was stolen from my office. Which means the one working with Stank to kill you must be a professor at this school. But never you mind, off to class! -- (Torg abruptly turns around, standing in front of a door, which has a horseshoe over it, and another one above and to the side) -- (Torg, hands on his hips, Gandledorf examining a potion and looking away) Torg: OK. Can we lose the "what I don't know won't hurt me" strategy? It works like crap. Gandledorf: Probably because the original saying was /"what you don't know will backstab you to death."/ | Flag | ||||
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Torg: There's no way I'm letting you nutjobs execute Kiki! *I'll rip Malfoy apart for this!* Gandledorf: That will not work for the magical barrier that has been set up between you. -- Gandledorf: You may think me a doddering old fool but I always have a plan. Kiki won't be executed. -- Gandledorf (opening a door and seeing blood everywhere): Whoops. Looks like Kiki's been executed. -- Homogenize: Not Kiki... it was Tootsiepop! **SOMEBODY BUTCHERED MY OWL!** -- Torg: I'm so sorry Homogenize! -- (Written in blood on the wall are the words "BLEARIOUS STANK IS IN DA HOUSE") -- Gandledorf: About that plan of mine? </**poof!**/> -- Gandledorf (now holding a hobo-sack): It's more like a get-away plan. Toodles! -- </**poof!**/> Torg (grabbing at air): *Get back here! I am so gonna kick your old butt!* | Flag | ||||
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-- Gandledorf: Warnings. Warnings from your dealings last term. Torg: The one I walked out on the first day and kicked your hiney on the way out? Gandledorf: No, Torg. You spent an entire term here and altered time with Miss Milktoast's "time-turner" so it appeared you left the school immediately. (Gandledorf conjures a collage of memories from the last Harry Potter spoof: Torg (with Kiki) being confronted by the Duh-mentors; a newspaper that declares "Stank Convicted | 15 years ago | <Booking pictures of Stank> | Lone Witness"; Torg twirling Homogenize's time-turner; Torg grabbing Wotcherclaws (when he was Weaslo's weasel, Sneezy); Torg kicking Gandledorf's butt) -- Gandledorf (conjuring an image of the time-turner): We saw the whole thing with a time-turner-view-master. The Ministry of Ministering threw a /*fit*/ when they found out how much time twisting you caused, Torg. -- Gandledorf (conjuring an image of him appearing in front of the Ministry): Be grateful I managed to keep you and Miss Milktoast out of what came next... *A huge trial on abuse of time-turners.* Torg: What happened? Gandeldorf: I'm not sure, exactly. I used *(*)my(*)* time-turner to fast-forward through the prosecution's /"bla-bla-bla"/ parts. | Flag | ||||
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Torg: Gandledorf? Why did you cheat Wunnybun out of the house cup? Doesn't seem your style. -- Gandledorf: There is so much you don't understand, dear Torg. Wunnybun is the house for bad guys. Reward them amiably? Treat them with respect? They /may/ become good. And /then/ our paperwork would be all screwed up. The hardest thing about winning is trying to do so without losing something of greater importance. -- Gandledorf: Unless it is what you wanted to lose all along. *Ah,* Scary Barry's every-celebrity-flavored gummy worms. -- Gandledorf: I once in my youth had the misfortune of a rather intense Peter Lorre. Torg: I've still got half of this Helena Bonham Carter... Gandledorf: Pass. | Flag | ||||
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Gandledorf: You eat some giblets. Everyone knows that. -- Torg (off panel): You can't be serious! Gandledorf: Very. They're even magically high in fiber for dietary concerns. -- Torg. ew! OK maybe I'll stick around to hear you out a little more. Gandledorf: /"You probably don't know who"/ is the most dangerous wizard you will ever face, Torg. -- Gandledorf: But if you stay here you will be under the constant protection of my completely competent faculty! Can't you just picture it? (A panicky-looking Torg quickly pops a giblet) -- <***PORT!***> Gandledorf: I shouldn't have mentioned the fiber. Everybody loves fiber these days. | Flag | ||||
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Student: /Look!/ The goblet is /sparkling!/ -- Caption: Muggle Tampering 101 Label: Sparkler --> (pointing to a sparkler taped to the goblet) Label: <-- Duct tape (pointing to the tape holding the sparkler to the goblet) Label: Sling shot --> (pointing to a sling shot about to be shot by Weaselo) Label: <-- Written note (pointing to a note that Weaselo is about to shoot up with the sling shot) Weaselo (whispering): He steals a credit card. You'd think we could go more hi-tech! -- <**twang!**> (the note is shot and falls in front of Gandledorf who reaches for it) -- Gandledorf: /Headmaster Gandledorf shall.../ | *WHAT?!?* -- Professor Goobergal (as a cat; sitting on Snapekin's head): Danger, Headmaster! Professor Snapekin: Odd turn. Let it play out! Gamemaster Flavorsaver: Magically binding contract! Gandledorf: But I don't /*want*/ to 'sit on a cactus for the entire tournament!!!' | Flag | ||||
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Gandledorf: Duh-mentors are actually terribly unscrupulous and evil creatures. We use them to guard our wizard prison mostly. -- Torg: Oh, great idea. Handing your jailhouse keys to unscrupulous creatures. What could go wrong? Gandledorf: You know we like to keep our badguys all in one place for organizational purposes! It's also easier on the tax records to say "/*every*/body within the wizard prison is a badguy." (In front of Gandledorf is a jar labeled "Icant | believe |itssnot | kleonix | food") -- Gandledorf: Don't be fooled. There is nothing /*"E-Z"*/ about tax form /*"Badguy E-Z."*/ Torg: That's right! They're prison guards! They're not here to protect us from Blearious Stank! /*I'm the bait for them to catch him!*/ -- Gandledorf: *There you go again, Torg, with your paranoid crazy* accurate *ideas.* | Flag | ||||
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Gandledorf: *Students! Guests! Visiting schools! Welcome to the 250th Try-Gizzard Tournament!* Crowd: ***Cheer!*** ***More cheer!*** -- (Gandledorf is sitting on a catcus, as the Goblet directed; the Goblet has a sparkler attached to it, and Weaselo's arms are visible, as he fires a slip of paper from a slingshot) Gandledorf: *A special welcome to the *Ministry of Non-Offensive Language* and their families, and...* Spectator: Look the Goblet is sparkling again! <**TWANG!**> Gandledorf: **...FREAK ME TO $%@&*ING HELL, WHAT THE $%#$& is it NOW?** | Flag | ||||
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-- Gandledorf (off panel): And as a standard wizard procedure of completely unbalancing all games, the one who finds the chalice shall be ow! awarded *four billion points.* -- Gandledorf: And that means the way the points now stand.... Let's see... hold on... doing math here... -- Gandledorf: Why, since none of you has even gotten a /single/ billion points, whoever holds the chalice in the end *wins!* -- Gandledorf: /*Behold **THE VERTICAL MAZE!***/ | /*You must find a shining gold chalice that looks like this.*/ | First to find it shall be Wizard Supreme! But beware for the maze is immense. The chalice could be /*anywhere!*/ Flavorsaver: Try-Gizzard *competitors...* | **BEGIN!** (A huge vertical maze, with an image of a chalice surrounded by a green light and stars leading down to Gandeldorf's wand; except for Nikel, the competitors are all looking up; Gamemaster Flavorsavor is shooting up a firework burst with his wand; in the background: a full moon, the crowded stands and a scoreboard) -- (Torg looks up as the others take off, all on brooms except Dudderz, who is flying) Torg (thinking): "Remember Q.H." Hmmm.... -- (Torg, remembers his first game; looking at the Buall'dib as the team captain explained the rules) Torg (thinking): In the games of Quidsatz Haderach I played, everybody zoomed overhead on brooms, but the thing I needed was just lying at my feet! -- (Torg looks down) -- Torg: No way! -- (Torg crouches in front of the chalice, while Nikel flies in, low to his broom which is close to the ground) Torg: Now that is a trick! The maze is just there to keep us looking up! Nikel: *Cheat!* I knew not to keep my eyes off of *you* Torg! === NOTE: Original Q.H. _Ref Link_ <http://www.sluggy.com/daily.php?date=010915>! | Flag |
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