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-- Torg: It's all starting to make sense! You mess with my blood and then *pull me into the tournament front-and-center the moment Stoop is back /and on the move. "Expendable decoy away!"/* (As Torg points at Gandledorf in anger, a huge ring sparkles on his pointing finger) -- Gandledorf: I did *not* pull you into the tournament! /I warned you away from it!/ You are one to judge my motives Torg! You wasted no time using your stolen "bloodentity" to open a credit card, didn't you? /Nice ring!/ Torg (blushing): /What?/ *How dare you!* This was a family blingloom from my grandmother! I wear it /all the time!/ -- Gandledorf: And the magical solid-gold hoverplate? Torg (hovering on the solid-gold hoverplate): It was my grandfather's... uh... *Look,* you're changing the subject and I'm very /very/ mad! -- Gandledorf: Tomorrow the tournament begins. I would put your energies towards staying safe and alive. -- Torg (flying out of the door on the hovercraft): Come on, Weazy. We have a mission. Weaselo: Nice ride! What is it? -- Torg: We all agree the Goblet of Flameyness has been tampered with, right? Weaselo: Obviously! Torg: Well we're going to do some tampering ourselves. -- Homogenize: You *can't!* It has so many magical safeguards that it would be impossible! Torg: We're not tampering magic-style! We're tampering /muggle-/style! Weaselo: We're doomed! | Flag | ||||
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-- Ruling: William Wotcherclaws | Animagus-Rat | Aka "Sneezy the Weasel" | GUILTY Ruling: Blearious Stank | Lycanthrope-Werelophant | INNOCENT -- Gandledorf: So, in the aftermath of your third term here, the good news is Blearious Stank has been exonerated, and the treacherous William Wotcherclaws ended up in custody. The bad news is a perfectly good plot device has been removed from the story forever. | Oh well, we shall pretend the time-turner never existed and move on. Gandledorf: What? -- Torg: Yeah, what's the "good news/bad news" forcast [sic: should be "forecast"] for my upcoming fourth term? Gandledorf: The good news is Wotcherclaws /escaped/ custody and probably wants you dead. -- Torg: /*And that's good news?*/ Gandledorf: Only in comparison. The bad news /is that "You-probably-don't-know-who"/ is returning and wants you deader. | Flag | ||||
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-- Gandledorf: "...shall compete..." /What the hell?/ -- Gandledorf: Students, wait here. Professors Goobergal, Snapekin, and Loogy, and Gamemaster Flavorsaver *to my study! *NOW!** -- (The goblet is labeled "Dybold") Professor Goobergal: This is insane, Busdolf! You told me it was too dangerous for Torg to compete! Professor Loogy (wearing a tag, "Hi! I'm Prof Loogy"): He is not even attending this term, is he? So how did his blood get in the goblet? And why did it choose him? Gandledorf: Obviously this goblet has been tampered with! Gamemaster Flavorsaver: *My goblet is 100% tamper-proof I assure you!* Professor Snapekin: It /is/ an odd turn of events, Headmaster. I daresay we let them play out. -- Gamemaster Flavorsaver: /*We must!*/ The Goblet of Flameyness forms a magically binding contract. /We have no choice. Torg will compete./ -- (Torg is being dragged off by a guard with an armband, "WP") Torg: *Get your hands /OFF/ of me! | I'm not going back! /I'M NOT GOING BACK!/* -- Torg: *Gandeldorf [sic: should be "Gandledorf"] did this! /HE'S UP TO SOMETHING!/ I'm not even the right Torg! /THIS IS ALL A SET-UP!/* -- Torg: Grump. (Weaselo, equally grumpy, sitting next to him on a bench in Snackewyrm commons) === NOTE: FYI: This is technically half a Sunday-style comic. The second half will appear tomorrow! | Flag | ||||
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<Poof> (The Goblet spits out a slip of paper) -- Gandledorf (reading the ticket): /*"From the Auroganceux School, Fleur Delasnoot shall compete!"*/ -- Weaselo: /*Yes! Whoo hoo! She's the best!*/ Homogenize: The best? Hardly! -- Homogenize: You do realize a competition that occurs only once every four years and only allows upperclassmen to compete ostracizes 75% of all wizards from even being /considered/ for the winning the sickeningly gregarious title "Wizard-Supreme?" -- Homogenize (off panel): A particularly bad year would give us no qualified competitors at all! <Poof> -- Gandledorf (reading the next ticket): "From the Nuckal'Dragkt Institute, Krumny Yelzalot shall compete!" -- Weaselo: So, what you said counts for Krumny, then? Homogenize: I'd have a hard time arguing my own point since he didn't seem to recognize his /own name./ -- Homogenize: Krumny, dear, that's *you!* /You're Krumny!/ Krumny: /**KRUMNY WIN!!!**/ -- <Poof> -- Gandledorf (reaching to catch the ticket): And one last name... | Flag | ||||
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Torg: Check *this* out! -- Torg: Gandeldorf [sic: should be "Gandledorf"] broke into Snapekin's Nilly-Potion-stash, (/"Just in case,"/ he says) and finds a "Tampering with the Goblet of Flameyness for Dummies" book on his desk! He blamed him for Nikel being brought into the competition as well as the cactus thing too! /Wink-wink!/ (Torg pictures Gandledorf slipping a drop into a mug labeled "I Hate U", that Snapekin is absent-mindedly reaching for) -- Torg: Anywho, he slipped the potion in his drink and threw him to the Duh-mentors! It's weird! I'm actually starting to *like* Gandeldorf [sic: should be "Gandledorf"]! Gandledorf: Hello, Torg! It's good of you to say! We need to talk. Alone. -- Torg (holding his hand out to stop Gandeldorf): To clarify, I'm "starting to like him" when he's doing stuff to other people, like over there. /Way/ over there. | Flag | ||||
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Homogenize: Wait a minute! I just realized, we can use my time turner to go back in time! To the crucial decision you made to not go into the shack with subtlety and nuance! We can fix this! Torg: *uuuuuuuuuuuuuuh /WHAT?/* -- (Homogenize pulls an amulet from under her vest) Torg (incredulously): You have a /*time machine?*/ Homogenize: It's a "time turner." They give it to over achievers so we can take twice as many elective courses! It's how, for example, I was able to attend both Divination and Familiars classes simultaneously! -- Torg (appalled): You have a time machine and you use it /*double your schoolwork-load?*/ Homogenize: Of course they don't feed me twice as much or give me twice as much sleep. So it really isn't as great a deal as you might think. === (A close up of the time turner, which looks like a small gyroscope) -- Homogenize: No-no, really, listen! This isn't some out-of-the-blue dumb plot device! There are very strict ways in which a time turner can be used! -- Homogenize: I really shouldn't be using my time turner for non-study oriented time-travel. I could get written up for this. Ah, three turns ought to do it! -- (Torg grabs the amulet; choking Homogenize as he does so) <***SNAG***> Homogenize: **GAK** -- <***flick***> -- (As the time turner pulses, the scenery starts to whirl and shift colors in the background) <**WRRRRRRR**> -- <**WRRRRRR**> -- (They go back in time to a much earlier panel; Homogenize's familiar is on her shoulder and Kiki is on Torg's head) Homogenize: Tootsiepop! Torg: Kiki! Kiki: I am! -- (Weaselo arrives with Sneezy (aka William Wotcherclaws) on his shoulder) Weaselo: Hey Torg! Remember Sneezy the weasel? Sure he's a hand-me-down but he's tough as nails! -- (Torg grabs Sneezy; snapping his neck...) <***SNAP***> -- (...slams him into the ground...) <**SLAM!**> -- (...and stomps on him) Torg: **WOH-PAH!** <***CRUNCH***> -- (Weaselo yells after Torg while Wotcherclaws transforms back into human shape at his feet.) Weaselo: *Well not compared to a grown man! Bugger!!!* Off-panel voice: Thrope! Look at that! Thrope (off-panel): Could it be the long lost William Wotcherclaws? Wotcherclaws: ~My back!~ Homnigrits (off-panel): What's he doing pretending ta be the Ronsnaps' family familiar? -- (Torg approaches Gandledorf; all smiles.) Gandledorf: Torg, welcome once again to Hoggelrynth! -- (Torg kicks Gandledorf; smiling broadly) <***BOOT***> Gandledorf: *Ow* that /*stings!*/ -- Caption: And Torg tried to catch a bus. | The End -- Torg (to the Succubus): I'm not normally so forward with a vehicle, but want to go grab some sushi? -- (Inside the Succubus) Conductor: Wotcha think, Skipper? Driver: I could go fer sushi! Footnote: The End (2) | Flag | ||||
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Tootsie-Pop: zzz Weaselo: You think /Blearious Stank/ will come /here,/ Headmaster? -- Gandledorf: I'm far more concerned about the Duh-mentors the Ministry is sending to keep us all "safe." Torg, welcome once again to Hoggelrynth! -- Torg: Gandeldorf [sic: should be "Gandledorf"], you remember where I said I'd plant my foot if I saw you again? Gandledorf: A vague recollection. But this is the *Ministry of Ministering's* play. Torg (Kiki on his shoulder): All about this "Stank" guy? -- Gandledorf: We should talk later in my office. I have grave things to warn you off [sic: should be "of"]. Horrible things. Terrible mean, ugly, greasy and impotent things! Professor Santory Snapekin: Hello. | Flag | ||||
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Wunnybun students: **Whoo hoo!** **Up with evil!** **Yay!** *We rock!* -- Gandledorf: Pooperscoop is second with 423. Poinginoh is third with 253. And in last place: Snackewyrm at minus a billion points. Mostly due to flagrant disregard of our "no keg party" policy by Torg. -- Gandledorf: But wait! I have some last minute points to award. My niece is a member of house Snackewyrm this year. A trillion points to her for being so gosh darn cute! Now, by my calculations, *Snackewyrm wins the house cup!* -- Snackewyrm students: **HURRAY!** Gandledorf: *In your face! IN... YOUR... FACE... Wunnybun! /Nyah!/* | Flag | ||||
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-- Gandledorf: Professor Snapekin. Santory Snapekin: Good day, headmaster. Ah, I see Torg has returned for another term at Hoggelrynth. No hard feelings about framing me for murder and leaving me to be tortured for it! -- Gandledorf: Santory, you were barely imprisoned five full minutes before I rescued you. Professor Snapekin: The five minutes of torture felt like hours, not unlike an artsy George Clooney movie! -- Professor Snapekin (getting right in Torg's face): *But as I said... NO... HARD... FEELINGS.* -- Torg: You know, his words were all purdy but I just don't see the love in his eyes! You sure I'm safer here? Gandledorf: Underneath his lust for vengeance, he's a pussycat! | Flag | ||||
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Gamemaster Flavorsaver (off panel): *We cannot interfere!* -- Gamemaster Flavorsaver: *Regardless of what's happened,* the tournament continues and we cannot interfere *until a competitor arrives in this arena, chalice in hand!* -- Gandledorf: But if Torg and Nikel were /*actually*/ disintegrated, as opposed to jibporting, then the competition is over already! *So we don't need to sit around at all and...* Gamemaster Flavorsaver: Stay on the cactus. Gandledorf: Drat. | Flag | ||||
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Weaselo: *Torg!* Torg you have to *see* this! -- Weaselo: This is a copy of what my father found at the ministry! *A scroll of bodily-fluid-exchange!* Torg: I don't know whether to go /"ew!"/ or "Now *that* sounds like a party!" Actually ew. -- Weaselo: These things never get looked at and aren't available to the public so nobody's going to know. I mean this scroll isn't the original so can't be used as proof, but... Torg, for all practical, magical, and credit-card-opening purposes, /*the blood that runs through your veins IS Torg Potter's!*/ -- (cut to Hoggelrynth Kitchens, where Gandledorf is raiding the fridge) Torg: *You STOLE my /bloodentity!/* Gandledorf: D'oh! Sign on freezer door: Today's magic word is[cutoff] Box in fridge: Snapekin Legs [No Thighs!] | Flag | ||||
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Loogy: This breaks every rule of written law and common sense! Snapekin: It is an odd turn of events, Headmaster. I daresay we let them play out. Gandledorf: *It dosen't [sic: should be "doesn't"] matter!* Minister Finster doesn't *own* Hoggelrynth! *It's not even his to lose in a wager!* -- Flavorsaver: But the Goblet of Flameyness forms a /magically binding contract./ We have no /choice!/ This school will become Flamolas Nikel's to turn into condos unless Torg defeats him in the Tri-Gizzard [sic: should be "Try-Gizzard"] Tournament! -- Gandledorf: Oh yeah! The magic-contract. Snapekin: Well... What can one do? Goobergal (as a cat; riding on Snapekin's shoulder): I guess that's that! Gandledorf: I mean it /*is*/ the Goblet we're talking about! Can't argue with the Goblet. Pack it in, kids! Students: ***AW!*** | Flag | ||||
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(Torg appears, holding the jibporting goblet) <***PORT!***> Gandledorf: */Torg!/* You came /*back!*/ -- Torg: My friend Riff wanted to know what bird-gut I ate so I was checking what was left and touched the giblets and "whoops" I'm back. Got a breath mint? -- Torg: Never mind. Past the teeth and over the gums, look out, stomach, here comes... what looks like a stomach! Gandledorf (off panel): */Millard Stoop!/* -- Torg: What? Gandledorf: /"You Probably Don't Know Who"/ is a wizard named Millard Stoop! -- Torg: I concluded a long time ago that you were allergic to being forthright and I don't see you itching anything yet. *Tell me more.* | Flag | ||||
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Gandledorf: Professor Goobergal, every year we send our best owls to deliver his invitation to our school of magic. Every year they fail. -- Gandledorf: All so he may achieve his destiny. /But it is our destiny to see him to his!/ -- Title Panel: Torg Potter and the Sorcerer's Nuts -- Torg: This is the best Tandoori Owl you've ever made, Riff! Riff: Well, Torg, you don't cook owls for thirteen years without picking up a skill or two. | Flag | ||||
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-- <Duh-DuhDAH> <musical note> <Duh-Duh> Upperclassanderthals: Ve're Mistar Male-Wizard Ve're Mistar Beer! <musical note> <Buh doot-de-doot> Footnote: *sung to the tune of "The Heat Miser" song. -- Upperclassanderthals: Ve're Mistar... Upperclassanderthal: woman? Krumny: Woman! *WOOO-MEN!* -- Upperclassanderthals: **WOOOMEN!** Upperclassbayb: **eeeek!!!** -- (Chaos reigns as Upperclassanderthals chase Upperclassbaybs) -- (Upperclassanderthals run out each carrying an Upperclassbayb (one of which is smiling)) -- Gandledorf: It appears all our guests have left. -- Gandledorf: While I alert the authorities, be distracted by the funkadelic Goblet of Flameyness! Hoggelrynth student #1 (off panel): /Oooooh!/ Hoggelrynth student #2 (off panel): /Why don't we get a song?/ | Flag | ||||
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Possessed Homogenize: Not quite, fool! <RUB RUB> -- Possessed Homogenize: I have the power of the Djinn, now! And I am going to wish you were never born! That Kleonix will not save you! The Great Djinn: What shall I do to him, Master? Torg: /*Kleonix?*/ Where did you come from? -- </Flashback> Busdolf Gandledorf (off panel): You would do well to look into the Kleonix, for you never know what treasures it holds! </End flashback> -- Torg (looking into the Kleonix): Here goes... what's this? A bottle? -- </Flashback> Gandledorf: Here, have this bottle of gin. Torg (off panel): It's empty! Gandledorf: Right. Be a good lad and fill it for me. </End flashback> -- Torg (pointing the bottle towards The Great Djinn): Not a bottle of gin! .../*A BOTTLE OF DJINN!*/ -- The Great Djinn (as he's being sucked into the bottle): *EYYYAAAAH! An accursed Genie-trap!* -- <***cork!***> -- Possessed Homogenize: Sure, you complain about the Djinn's wishes coincidence and then happen to pull a *genie bottle* out of the Kleonix? Puh-leeze! Torg: Wait! There's more in here! Is that a bazooka? Possessed Homogenize: I give! | Flag | ||||
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Busdolf Gandledorf: ...If it is any consolation, Mr. Ronsnaps, several staff members are experiencing hairballs for the first time. I am overjoyed that everyone has made it through this safe and sound. And I am equally sorry to see you leave, Torg. Torg: Now that it's all over, Gobby should leave me be. - <**KNOCK-KNOCK**> - Lucius Malfoy: I just wanted to stick my head in to express my regret over everything turning out for the best and to verify that there is no evidence against me. -- Gandledorf: You're in the clear, Lucius! Lucius: Right! A general /"bleck"/ and I'm off! (Lucius turns to leave, followed by Gobby) Torg: /Gobby?!?/ | Flag | ||||
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Torg: Right, Homez! Let's get to it. So that's him. | Tell me about his escape and the Bill Clinton connection. Homogenize Milktoast: The President from Arkansas was touring local prisons. Verifying humane conditions and whatnot. - (Torg is holding, and looking at, Homogenize's report titled, "Blearious Stank | by Homogenized [sic: should be Homogenize] Milktoast") Homogenize Milktoast: Blearious Stank made an attempt on his life before blowing a hole in the prison walls and being the first wizard to ever escape that prison. (Newspapers ("The Occasional Profit") are scattered over the table; the headlines are "Murderer Escapes!" "Seven Murdered 15 Years Ago" "Stank Convicted | 15 Years Ago | Lone Witness"; back page headline: "Are You Animagus?") Torg: He must have been planning that escape for years, but waited for that moment. Why? Homogenize Milktoast: Not a lot is known about Stank's motives. But the Ministry has sealed all details of the event and put the President from Arkansas and his family into hiding just as they did you. -- Kiki: You got mail *birrng* Weaselo Ronsnaps: That's /*it!*/ Professor Kate's vague prediction from divination class! -- </Flashback> Professor Kate Bahlmajik: /*The President from Arkansas is nearer than you think!*/ </End flashback> -- Weaselo Ronsnaps: They're hiding him here too! Homogenize Milktoast: Pish posh. Didn't she also do that ridiculous tealeaf reading on Torg? -- </Flashback> Professor Kate Bahlmajik (looking into a teacup): You're doomed, Torg! -- Professor Kate Bahlmajik (holding out the cup to reveal a tea leaf that looks like a skunk): *You have the /*STINK-EYE!*/* </End flashback> -- Weaselo Ronsnaps: I thought you were in Homnigrits' familiars class. Tootsiepop looks "hugged". Divination class was at the same time! Homogenize Milktoast: Overachiever, remember? Torg's mail: TORG! In my office NOW! -Gandeldorf [sic: should be Gandledorf] -- Minister Finster: Ahhh, to meet the Lastnameless One at last. I am Finster, Minister of the Ministry of Ministering. You've met my newly appointed sidekick, Lucius Malfoy. Lucius Malfoy: *Advisor! Not sidekick.* -- Minister Finster: What's the difference? Lucius Malfoy: Sidekicks are goodguys, advisors are badguys! Everybody knows that. -- Minister Finster: For the last time, the ministry isn't evil. It's just bloated and stupid. Let's have you be my "yes-man." Lucius Malfoy: Fine! -- Gandledorf: What brings you all to my office at this hour? Lucius Malfoy: I'll tell you what! My son needed surgery to remove that wand! *Do you understand what I'm saying?* -- Gandledorf: That you're accusing Torg of doing something horribly embarassing, Lucius? *Unforgivably Embarassing* perhaps? Minister Finster: Busdolf, the recent violence in the school /has/ required the Ministry lay down some laws. -- Minister Finster: *The Duh-Mentors are to be kept off the school grounds. Any creature harming a student, Duh-Mentor or not, is to be destroyed.* -- Lucius Malfoy: And... a spellbind of restraint is to be kept between Torg and Ralfoy Malfoy for the rest of the school year. -- Weaselo Ronsnaps: What was the meeting about? Torg: They're kicking the Duh-Mentors out of the school. Weaselo Ronsnaps: Well, what's wrong with that, Torg? -- Torg: It was Luscious Malfoy's idea. Lucius Malfoy: */LUCIUS!/ MY NAME IS /LUCIUS,/ GODDAMMIT!* | Flag | ||||
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(William stabs Torg's arm with the pen) <**STAB**> Torg: **eyyyOUCH!** **You stabbed my arm!** -- Delivery Guy (William): Sorry, guvnor! Fergot how a pen worked is all. Torg: Do me a favor. Don't moonlight at a barbershop. -- Riff: What'd you get Torg? Torg (holding up a cup): Someone sent me a metal mug! And it's filled with... -- Torg (confusedly disgusted): ... Are these /chicken innards?/ Riff: You mean 'giblets?' -- (Torg vanishes) <***PORT!***> -- Torg: *What happened? /Where am I!/* Gandledorf: I brought you here, Torg. -- Gandledorf: We must talk, it is also /*very*/ important that you don't eat any of the giblets yet! -- Torg (disgustedly annoyed): Of course not, why would I... | *What do you mean "yet?"* -- Title Panel: Torg Potter and the Giblets with Fiber === NOTE: _Torg Potter and the Sorcerer's Nuts_ <http://www.sluggy.com/daily.php?date=020902> _Torg Potter and the Chamberpot of Secretions_ <http://www.sluggy.com/daily.php?date=030915> _Torg Potter and the President from Arkansas_ <http://www.sluggy.com/daily.php?date=050822> | Flag | ||||
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Graffitti on wall: THE CHAMBERPOT OF SECRETIONS HAS BEEN EMPTIED! LET IT SPILL OVER INTO THE STREETS! LOVE, TORG! PS: EW! Snapekin: Gandeldorf [sic: should be "Gandledorf"], it appears we have a signed confession. Gandledorf: Now is not the time for evidence, Santory. Now is the time for blind panic. Did you know Snivel well, Torg? Torg: He had a familiar behind. That's all I know. -- Weaselo: Someone turned him into chocolate?!? Professor Goobergal (as a cat): Some *thing,* Mr. Ronsnaps. If you will excuse me, I must inform the Longshanks that their grandson is dead. -- Torg: Professor Goobergal! /*Professor Goobergal!*/ Prof Goobergal: What has you so concerned Lastnameless One? -- Torg: It's just, um this whole mention of chocolate in connection to a chamberpot, just seems,..... Goobergal: Yes? Torg: Kinda, I dunno, low brow? Goobergal: Purely coincidental I assure you. -- Torg (arms folded angrily): Because I am /*not*/ doing toilet humor! Goobergal (worriedly): I pray you are right, Torg. I pray you are right. | Flag |
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