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Marge: He's dead? Mr. Garret: I'm afraid so. He said "they" were after what was in his pocket, but all I could find were children's mittens like this. -- Crowd: ***AWWWW...*** Marge: Aw! Look at the little kitty! Mr. Garret: Don't you be cuddling up to no strange animals, Marge. It might have rabies or something. Kitten: **mew.** -- Crowd: ***EEEEEK!*** (The kitten attacks) Mr. Garret: Now, now. I said it "might" have rabies. No need to overreact. -- Title panel: The poor little kittens, | They lost their mittens, | And now you all must die. | Mew, mew, mew, mew. | And now you all must die. | -derivative of a children's nursery rhyme | KITTEN II | Mittens Lost | Flag | ||||
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=== Riff: It's my latest invention. I discovered a theory that moments of time are separated by "panels", like fourth-dimensional drywall. This device can brake [sic: should be "break"] through the panels that separate different moments in time and let someone go through. Torg: Cool! How does it work? Sasha: More importantly, how dangerous is it? -- (Riff presses the button on the remote, Sasha falls through the panel wall behind him, to the panel below) Riff: I'll show you. Just keep an eye on that tree over there. The only problem is that I just have to determine what moments are linked by what panels. <CLICK!> -- Torg: Was that supposed to happen? Riff: Nope. Torg: What time did you send her to? -- Riff: /I... I don't know, Torg! I might have sent Sasha to the age of dinosaurs! Or a distant future where humans aren't equipped to survive! Or... or... -- (Sasha's legs appear in the sky behind Riff -- a continuation of her falling through the panel from above) Torg: Or you might have sent her thirty seconds into the future. Riff: Maybe, but what are the odds of that happening? === [Art by Oliver Zuchowski] ====== [Art by L.K. Malnassy] === Caption: Subject 1: Angela. Driven insane by demonic kitten attack, got better, paralyzed by pissed-off alien, possessed by sobbing ghost, driven insane again. Current location: mental institution -- Caption: Subject 2: Zoë. Kidnapped by vampires, dragged through time and space, prone to turning into a camel, regularly attacked by any number of things, including assassins and cranky rabbits. Current location: Nebraska -- Caption: Subject 3: Oasis. Brainwashed, killed, came back, killed, came back, went insane, wreaked havoc on general populace during quest to reclaim lost love, terrorized numerous coeds, beheaded coworker. Current location: mental institution. -- Caption: Subject 4: The common thread Torg: You know, it's kind of scary when you realize the guy who sleeps with the laser cannon is the one with the stable relationship. Riff: If it makes you feel better, my ex-girlfriend got possessed by a demon a couple of times. === [Sea of insanity | http://fractuslux.keenspace.com] =========== Joe Sunday: *2nd place* belongs to *L.K. Malnassy.* She writes: Well, I'm not that great at inking, nor really that great at drawing in general, but Sluggy was my first webcomic, so I figured what the heck. So, you know, here it is. Hope it can be of use... I really like her clean style and good sense of contrast in the inking. Congratulations! -- Joe Sunday: And finally, our *1st place* fan comic strip of the day is *Ellie Hastings* she writes: "This is my comic submission: sleeplessness meets inspiration. Enjoy!" It seems we all enjoyed it. I'm sure everyone else will too. This one is very clever. Read it carefully or you may miss the joke. === Title: Torg and Riff are Bored and Pete isn't here to do anything about it Vacation Day!! (working title) --- (Riff and Torg, hands behind their heads, beer mugs in front of them.) Riff: Sorry. I was bored. Torg: And I still am. Riff: *snicker* -- Torg: Riff, you didn't actually use my time-machine idea from before without telling me, did you? Riff: Hey, where's Kiki? Torg: Riff!!! -- Torg: Don't change the subject! I know you're up to something! -- Riff: Hey, forget it, man! Let's go check out the bikini-suicide-Frisbee-match! -- Torg: *What??* Why the *HELL* would I want to do that?? -- Riff: Okay, never mind! Why don't you just tell me about your favorite leather underwear? -- Torg: Red, very sleek -- good way to attract girls, let me tell you! There's one chick that -- -- Riff: Never mind. Hey, what did you think of that car you were looking at yesterday? -- Torg: What's with the questions all of a sudden? -- Riff: Would you rather talk about beer? -- Torg: *BOR-ING!!* -- Torg: Hey! We could use your new, improved time machine to rearrange the panels and make today's strip run backwards! Riff: Uh... don't you think it would be more fun to just sit here? (Riff reaches down to the side to fiddle with a dial on the time machine) <fiddle fiddle> Arrow Label: new improved time machine | Flag | ||||
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Angela: Goodbye, Torg. I'll miss you. -- Torg: Angela? You're */leaving?/* Angela: Torg, you're a great guy and all, but yikes! -- Angela: First time with you I get attacked by satanic kittens and end up in an asylum with "catphobia!" Now, we got hungry aliens, and homicidal ghosts attacking us! I know it's wrong to associate you with those problems, but I can't help it! Torg: Angela, don't go! -- Torg: I've had a great time with you and I know things get a little crazy around here. But that's no reason to turn your back on something that could be great for both of us! -- Angela: So what you're saying is I'm better off here. Since I've spent time in the looney bin it's like I'm spoiled goods, and nobody else will want me? Torg: Why yeeee..... /Huh?/ *That's not what I said at all!* -- Angela: Did you say something, Torg? Sorry, I was talking to one of the voices in my head. OK I'll stay. -- (A cat lands on Angela's head) <**WHUMP!**> -- Titian (the cat): **mew.** Torg (in a sweat): Angela... don't... move! (Angela is nuts with fear) -- Bert: **Titian! My pet cat Titian has returned from her tour of France! /BLISS!/** Riff: Bert has a pet cat? -- (Koji (Angela's dog) growls at the cat and it hisses back as Torg tries to lift it; Angela holds her ears and screams) Koji: **grrrr *BARK!*** Titian: **hisst** Angela: ***yaaaeeeeeee*** -- (Angela runs away from Titian who is chased by Koji who is chased by Bert) Angela: **eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee** Titian: **REAR** Koji: **RUFF RUFF RUFFR RUFF RUFFR RUFF RUFF** Bert: *UNPAW MY FELINE, CANINE KNAVE!* -- Riff: Dude! Sorry your girlfriend ended up back in the nuthouse. Torg: Yeah-yeah. -- Riff: I guess you just have that effect on women. Torg: Moving on. -- Riff: That Oasis chick sure was a stable girl! Torg: *NEXT TOPIC, SIR!* -- Riff: OK, next topic. Why are the ghosts still here? At least one or two should have left! We broke the cycle of Brie's torment of Henry and both of their torment of Beth. We freed Beth and Brad from their prisons and gave Beth a proper burial. Still, nobody's at rest. -- Riff: And we know of exactly four people who died here and know of exactly four ghosts. Do you know how haunted our world would be if 100% of the people who died never left? We simply have too many ghosts! -- Torg: Aren't there haunted battlefields? Places where ghosts of hundreds who fought in the past recreate the battle throughout time for the random traveler? That's a lot of ghosts in one spot! Riff: Yes, Torg, but not /every/ battlefield is haunted. What makes this house so special? Torg: You got me there. -- Caption: Yes indeed, what makes /this/ house so special? Perhaps the answers lie hidden in plain sight. One old dusty book on an old dusty shelf. -- Caption: Through the old and dusty doorway into the old and dusty library. Perhaps it will be found, and the old true dusty evil revealed. -- Caption: But that is a tale for another time. For now we have reached THE END Title on the spine of the book in focus (a diamond follows the title): "The Great Kesandru and the Well of Ghosts" | Flag | ||||
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-- Torg: Duh, me! Wilson says I should just wait until dawn when you poof away and I'll be safe to clear the way out! -- Torg: Mosp? -- (Mosp isn't moving) Torg: Mosp? /Are you OK?/ *Mosp?* -- (he begins to pry the wall off of Mosp) Torg: Shut up, Wilson. <**PRY!**> -- Schlock (thinking): What a disaster. I'm going to need another costume if I'm going to sneak... Kusari (in a "Howdy Kitten" [play on "Hello Kitty"] costume): *And what are you doing here, Irving?* -- Schlock: *KUSARI?* Kusari (with her two Kamas drawn): Yessss. Schlock: Why, nothing at all! Just enjoying a Halloween party thrown by some friends! -- Kusari: Not here to talk to anyone? Yes? We can trust you, can't we? Schlock: Kusari, with Aylee attacking anything that moves, I figure I only have a ten percent chance of survival! I just want to get out of here alive! (Sasha listens from around the corner) -- Kusari: Then let us leave this place together. Schlock: There goes my ten percent. | Flag | ||||
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Bert: *Guys? I just stepped in something... AND IT'S NOT HUMAN!* -- (The women stare down in horror) -- Crystal (annoyed): Bert, you stepped in guacamole. Bert: *AND IS THAT HUMAN? NO!* -- Crystal: We can't go outside! Aylee is waiting out there for us to try and escape. Angela: This house swallowed Torg! It'll swallow us too! Crystal: So do we risk it out the window, Angela? I was already almost eaten once tonight, I don't feel like repeating it! -- Kusari (in a "Howdy Kitten" [play on "Hello Kitty"] costume): **hello! everyone ok in here?** -- </Flashback> (Angela's flashback to Kitten superposed on Kusari) Flashback kitten: mew. mew. rrrrrrrr </End flashback> -- Angela: **NOOOOOOO!** Bert: *THE HORROR!* -- (Bert and Angela dive backwards out of the windows) <***CRASH!***> Kusari: *what?* -- Crystal: I guess the window it is. Kusari: *geez. It's like they've never seen a /howdy kitten/ costume before!* Bert (through the window): *You're supposed to be a kitten?* | Flag | ||||
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Torg: Angela, how have you been? We had a lot of fun last summer, in that cabin in the woods, before those SatanSpawn Kittens started all that mutilation and death. Last I heard, you developed a massive phobia of kittens and had to spend time in a mental institution! Angela: That's why I got Koji here, for protection! I've been out for a while. I should have called, but I needed time before facing you guys. It really hurt to lose Dex. I think I really loved him! I mean, not that I didn't like the time we spent together or anything, no offense. Koji: wuf. Torg: None taken. -- Torg (looking straight ahead, nervously): Yes, well, ...um Angela (looking straight ahead, nervously): So... -- <****SMOOCH!****> | Flag | ||||
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=== Zoë: Great, another nightmare in which I'm back in the shower, with hungry kittens waiting outside to kill me! -- Angela: Actually, Zoë, this is another of my delusional psychotic flashbacks in the mental hospital. Zoë: Are you sure? I'm pretty sure this is my nightmare... Angela: Positive! I have screaming hallucinations all the time! -- Zoë (hugging Angela): I'm so sorry, Angela! Angela (hugging Zoë): I'm sorry too, Zoë. Max: Geez, get a grip! I'm dead, and you don't see me bawling about it! -- Zoë: That should make me feel guilty, but instead I just want to slap you. Max: Kinky. How 'bout some dream pity sex for the dead guy? Zoë: No. Max: Worth a shot. === Management: Confused? This is a "Caption-This" user-submitted contest winner! === NOTE: Submission by Fido the Logrus Squid === Transcriber's Note: Captioned strip is based partly off of this comic: https://archives.sluggy.com/book.php?chapter=21#2000-11-21 and partly off of this comic: https://archives.sluggy.com/book.php?chapter=21#2000-11-22 | Flag | ||||
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Riff: Gee, Zoë! Sorry your boyfriend got eaten by kittens! -- (Riff and Torg smother giggles while Zoë looks shocked or horrified) -- (Zoë glares at them, thinking a skull and crossbones death thoughts; Torg points to Riff, who is still laughing) Torg: It's funny when *he* says it! | Flag | ||||
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Torg: In the car. Zoë: The kitten is between us and the car. Torg: I'm aware of that. Kitten: **mew.** -- Kitten: *reaar.* -- Max: *That's it! EAT SNEAKER, RAT!* <***PUNT!***> -- (The kitten bounces off of a tree; and boy is it angry...) <***WAP!***> Kitten: **RAEER!** -- Max: *You little... /**YEARGGGHH!/*** -- (Zoë tosses the last of the ice cream out of the SUV; Angela is getting into the SUV next to Zoë and Torg is getting into the driver's seat) Zoë: *GO, TORG! GO!* -- <***VROOM***> -- (The last of the kittens laps up the ice cream in the foreground; the SUV carrying the survivors vrooms off into the distance) <**VROOM**> <*LAP LAP LAP*> -- (Now that they're safe, Angela sits in a near catatonic shock, while Zoë and Torg cry; Zoë has her arms around Torg while he continues to drive) Zoë: Max gave his life for us! Torg: Kicking a kitten... A grown man punting a kitten who was looking the other way... It was the bravest thing I've ever seen. -- (Sunset) -- Bun-Bun (narrating): Zoë and Torg met up with some friends and rode off into the sunset, with a whole lot of forgetting ahead of them. -- Bun-Bun (narrating): Angela would not forget, and wound up in a mental institution. Doctors are hopeful. She's decided to buy herself a dog as soon as she gets out. A big dog. -- Bun-Bun (narrating): Speaking of doctors, Bert made history! The first man to receive a crotch transplant from a baboon donor. The doctors are still waiting to see if his body will reject it. Bert (checking out his new crotch): Now *that's* something. -- Bun-Bun: And myself, I'm just glad to be done with this crap! But I only have one more panel to do, so here it goes. -- Bun-Bun: Investigators come to Wispydale, find nothing, and write-off the missing Dr. Haught-Sheik as a kook. And that concludes our little tale... *Or does it?* -- Milk Man: Another order of milk! Sign here! (Under the "General Store | and palm readings" sign, Flaky receives the large order of milk...) -- Milk Man: Hey, I saw your picture in the paper! Weren't you the only survivor back when one of old Sheriff Bugahf's cabins collapsed? Flaky: Yes, I survived, thanks to my new friends. And now I run the general store. -- Milk Man: Well, you've doubled the milk order from the previous owners. I guess business must be picking up in this little town. Flaky: I feel safer stocking up. Besides, I'm expecting company. Kitten (off panel): mew. Kitten (off panel): mew. (Note: Flaky now wears the symbol of "Satan's concubine" (the Windows logo) on her forehead) -- Caption: THE END Kitten (off panel): mew. Kitten (off panel): mew. Caption: ? Kitten (off panel): mew. -- Credits: Sluggy Freelance Presents | A Bun-bun Production | KITTEN | Cast: | Kitten 1: Michael Madsen | Kitten 2: Claudia Black | Kitten 3: Michael McManus | Kitten 4: William Hootkins | Kitten 5: Alyson Hannigan | Kitten 6: Alex Winter | Kitten 7: Billy Worth | Kitten 8: Rumiko Takahashi | Kitten 9: Steve Jackson | Kitten 10: David Allen -- Credits: You've been watching | "KITTEN" | See this movie again at 3. | Next on OnSnore! | Bert Benigni in | Crotch is Beautiful | OnSnore! -- Credits: KITTEN | Cast: | Kitten 1: Michael Madsen | Kitten 2: Claudia Black | Kitten 3: Michael McManus | Kitten 4: William Hootkins | Kitten 5: Alyson Hannigan | Kitten 6: Alex Winter | Kitten 7: Billy Worth | Kitten 8: Rumiko Takahashi | Kitten 9: Steve Jackson | Kitten 10: David Allen | Kitten 11: Tracy Hickman | Kitten 12: Margaret Weis | Kitten 13: Maria Tomspawn | Kitten 14: Tom Ricket | Kitten 15: Sam Thyla | Flag | ||||
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Torg: Thanks for the lift. We can call a cab from the Glees' store. Dr. Haught-Sheik: I'm just glad it's finally over! Zoë: Unless there are any more kittens? -- Torg: Sixteen in the woods, one in the store, and one in the tree, that's eighteen! Angela: No... *No!* With the kittens all around us, I didn't think it was important, but the first kitten got out of the tree! Don't know if it fell or climbed down or... -- (Dr. Haught-Sheik is grabbed and eaten by a kitten) <***YANK!***> Dr. Haught-Sheik: **YAH!** -- Torg: *DR. HOOCHIE! /NOOOO!/* -- Kitten: **mew.** *hsssssss* | Flag | ||||
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Max: This whole trip is for the birds. Kittens: mew mew mew -- Torg: So that's it. The end of the kittens. Zoë: What happens when they don't get their milk tomorrow? Angela: It's the *curse!* One of us has to stay and feed them each night! Dr. Haught-Sheik: Bull[bleep]! I put in a call to the authorities, and of course they think I'm nuts, but they'll send some people out to investigate. I'm sure they'll figure out I was telling the truth after the kittens go through the first twenty or so investigators. Max: I vote we conveniently forget about responsibility, look the other way, and run for our lives! Anyone else in the mood for flapjacks? | Flag | ||||
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Zoë: OK, there's the car and the doc, here's the ice cream, and here comes [sic: should be "come"] the kittens. Now what? Torg: Watch and be amazed as the kittens become magically docile. -- (The kittens just sit and stare) -- Zoë: Maybe they don't see the ice-cream? Angela: Maybe they're just dramatically pausing to mess with our heads? Torg (panicking): *Eat the ice-cream, kittens! Eat the ice-cream!* -- Bun-Bun (standing on a red background of a kitten's head and skulls): /*WILL*/ the kittens eat the ice-cream and become subdued happy kittens? /*WILL*/ they rip our heroes(*) to smithereens? *Can you hardly wait to find out? BOY-O-BOY I SURE CAN'T!* Seesh, [sic: should be "Sheesh"] who writes this crap? Footnote: (*)Technically to Bun-Bun, the kittens are the heroes, but according to him, /"Hey, it's a paycheck"./ | Flag | ||||
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Torg: *It's working! He likes it!* <**LAP LAP LAP**> Dr. Haught-Shiek: Do you know how *unhealthy* it is to give ice-cream to a cat? -- (Torg gives her a close-up dirty look) Dr.Haught-Shiek: OK, I'll tolerate cruelty to satanic cats. </End Flashback> -- Torg: The kitten immediately became passive and friendly. A quick change of clothes from the fashion department and a quick stop at the excellently stocked pet section of the store and I had everything I needed to keep safe from a random kitten attack. And here I am. -- Torg: We didn't know where all the other kittens were, but now that we've got them all, I've radioed ahead and Dr. Hot-chick is preparing enough ice-cream for these guys just south of us. So we keep moving and we'll be fine. Zoë: What about Bert? -- Torg: First thing we did was call an ambulance for Bert. They gave him only one chance for survival. -- </Flashback> Doctor: We need to airlift this man to New York for a crotch transplant. </End Flashback> | Flag | ||||
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Dr. Haught-Sheik (off panel; over the walkie-talkie): Roger, Albatross! I'll set the table! And by the way, my code name is *"Whippoorwill"! It's a _bird!_* -- Torg: OK, people! Quick version is the kittens are the cursed offspring of Satan and if they don't get a saucer of milk each night they start killing people. And one of them had us pinned in the freezer room. -- </Flashback> Torg: *It's a general store!* It's *got* to have milk! Dr. Haught-Sheik: Mrs. Glee replaced all the milk with soy-milk! Not that they'd keep it in the freezer anyway! <**WAM**> <**BAM**> <**WAM**> -- Torg: *Well, think of something!!!* Dr. Haught-Sheik: **ICE-CREAM!** Kitten: *mew.* <**WAM*> <**BAM**> -- Torg: *Of course!* That's dairy! It might work! Dr. Haught-Sheik: Actually I was thinking if I'm about to die I'd go off my diet! Torg: Well, if we're going to die, how about sex? Dr. Haught-Sheik: Let's try the ice-cream. <**WAM**> <**BAM**> <**WAM**> </Pause flashback> | Flag | ||||
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-- Max: These water bottles are keeping them back, but pissing them off! So, what's the scoop? What happened to you and that other tall guy? Torg: First things first. I have a plan to take care of the kittens, but I need us all together. Where's everybody else? Zoë: We're all that's left. -- Torg: Zoë, I'm sorry about your friends... and Dex. Zoë: Dex... I miss him so much! -- Angela: *You* miss him? I've been with him since we were kids! We were *soul-mates!* Max: *You flighty chicks!* Dex was my *best friend!* Does any of you know what it *means* to lose your best friend? Torg: *What,* did I miss the invitation to *Dex-Love-Fest 2000?* -- Max, Zoë and Angela: GRRR GRRR Torg: um... *Lookout! Satanic kittens!* | Flag | ||||
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Max: Why do you bother talking to her? It's like she went into shock after seeing her future. Like we all don't know we're going to die. -- Comic Title: Sluggy Freelance PRESENTS | KITTEN Zoë (off panel): Max, why don't you just... *oh no.* -- Zoë: **NO! NO! NO!** -- Zoë: *The kittens are shredding the cabin itself! Hitting all the support beams!* <**Shred**> <**Shred**> <**Scritchity**> Max: They're bringing the whole cabin down to get us! Angela: Get the boards off the bathroom window! -- (Max heaves at the planks) </**URRRRT!**/> -- <**YANK!**> <**PRY**> <**PULL!**> </**BEND!**/> <**SNAP!**> -- (Zoë dives out the window) Max: *Go! GO!* <*creak*> <*urrrt*> <*creak*> -- (Angela dives out the window; Zoë takes off running) <*creak*> <**urrrt**> -- Angela: *Max!* Max: I can't fit, too damn big. Go, Angela, this place is about to... <*creak*> <**creee-ak**> <*creak*> -- <***CRASH!***> -- Max (in an uncollapsed space): Well, *somebody* up there likes me! Angela: *Aaaa! I put weight on my ankle!* -- Zoë: *Angela! I'm coming!* -- (Zoë stops short in horror) -- (A kitten is just behind Angela) Kitten: **mew.** -- Max: Angela! *Freeze!* It can't see you if you don't move! No wait, that's a T-rex. -- Kitten (getting ready to pounce): Rrrrrrrrr -- <**pounce!**> -- (Torg jumps in front of Angela and sprays the kitten with water from a water bottle) Torg: *Bad kitty!* <**MISSST**> <**MISSSST**> <**MISST**> -- Kitten: HSSSS! Kitten 2: **mew.** <**MISSSST**> -- Zoë (hugging Torg, while he's still spraying kitties): *Torg! You're alive!* Torg: Zoë, I'll explain everything soon but you have to trust me! Kitten #1: *hsss!* Kitten #2: *rarrr!* <*MISST*> <*MISSST* -- Max (surrounded by kittens): *Guys?* The water main broke so I'm soaked and safe, but I'm pinned! -- Torg (shooting his "gun"): *Max, come toward us fast and now! I'll cover you!* Label: Toy ping-pong-ball gun loaded with catnip-toys. <**PUM! PUM! PUM!**> -- Torg (Looking at the catnip-toys at his feet): Gee, thought they'd travel farther. *Max, run the other way really quickly!* Max: I'll stay here in the water, thanks! | Flag | ||||
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Dr. Haught-Sheik: Remember the story Mr. Glee told us? I think we're just play-time for the kittens, but the Glees were business. And that kitten didn't make it quick for Mrs. Glee. -- Torg: Well, with the Traipseys, the Glees and the Sheriff all dead, are you *sure* we're safe in here? Dr. Haught-Sheik: Yeah, unless kittens have learned how to open doors! -- <**klickety**> <**klackity**> -- <**cre-e-e-eak**> Torg: You did *not* just say that. Kitten: **mew.** | Flag | ||||
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<***WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!***> Torg: */Nooo!/ Get off Bert!* Bert: *Though I detest Jackson Pollock, I AM THE ART!* -- (Kitten (still off panel) has now taken Torg's plank) Torg: *Bad kitty! Give me my crudely fashioned weapon back!* Kitten: **mew.** -- (Kitten (still off panel) hits Torg, sends him flying -- literally knocking his socks (and shoes) off) <****WHAM!****> -- (Red panel with Mrs. Glee and Dr. Haught-Sheik cowering) Kitten (off panel): **mew.** | Flag | ||||
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Kitten: **mew.** -- <***WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!***> Bert: **TORG! NO! THAT'S NOT ONE OF THE CHILDREN-OF-SATAN KITTENS! THAT'S MY PET KITTEN!** -- Torg (stopping, and holding up a two-by-four that is now cracked): Oh! -- Torg: Oh, boy do I feel lousy! Bert: **WAIT A MINUTE! NO, I'M WRONG, TITIAN WOULDN'T EAT ME LIKE THIS.** | Flag | ||||
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Mrs. Glee: For your blood pressure, dear! -- Kitten: **mew.** -- <***Glitch!***> <**FSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS**> -- Dr. Haught-Shiek: You cut back on *sodium* for blood pressure. Mrs. Glee: I always mix those up! Where'd Mr. Glee go? Torg: Wow! His blood was under quite a lot of pressure! | Flag |
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