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=== Kiki: W...wow! I think there may be too much content in just the title! === NOTE: These two weeks brought to you by the venerable Clay Yount of _Cosmobear_ <http://www.cosmobear.cycomics.com/> and _Rob and Elliot!_ <http://www.robandelliot.cycomics.com/> | Flag | ||||
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=== Cloney (aka Aylee): I just want my victory over my past life to be complete. Taking Bun-Bun out in fair one-on-one combat was the first half. Now I want to get past every trap Riff has set for me. -- Cloney: Riff has been against me from the very beginning. Those fools at Hereti-Corp who seek to control me actually thought he was a risk to me. I will prove them wrong. You shall be witness to it. -- Cloney: I want to see his last surprise while he dies in the corner. So if you don't hit that button /*right now,* I will!/ Torg: Dude! I've been hitting this button non-stop since you said you took out Bun-Bun! But nothing's happening. <*beep beepity beep beep beepity beep beep beep beep beep*> -- Cloney: Then what, exactly, is *that?* (A flame appears before them; Torg is astonished) | Flag | ||||
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<bobble bobble bobble> (In the background, Zoë has reached the platform and is reaching for the Book of Güd) -- Torg: *That's right, Captain Consonant!* My job was to distract you long enough for Zoë to use the book. -- Torg: *Get him, Zoë!* Zoë: I... -- Zoë: ...I... -- Zoë: ... I can't read it! -- Title panel: Sluggy Freelance presents | The Storm Breaker Saga | VII | LAST CALL -- K'Z'K (swiping the Book away from Zoë): ****AH-HA HA HA HA**** <**swipe**> -- K'Z'K (looking at the open pages of the Book): Of COURSE you can't, this Book was not meant for bugs like you! Now I will send this book where I sent the other and... and... .... ... <ssssss> -- K'Z'K: **MY EYES!** -- (K'Z'K breaks apart as beams of light shoot up from his eyes, including the ones on his shoulders) -- (Souls set free as K'Z'K breaks apart, rise up; Gwynn visible in the crowd) -- (K'Z'K shrinks...) -- (All that remains of K'Z'K is a very small bug.) <ssss> -- Zoë: I couldn't read it because there are no words, only pictures. -- K'Z'K (as Zoë raises her foot): **oh! ooh! oooooh,** you little **mother....** -- (Zoë squishes K'Z'K with her foot) <*****SQUISH!*****> -- Torg: *Pictures? Pictures did that?* Zoë: It's more than just pictures. They're like magic pictures! They stir something deep inside! Torg: Like the pictures in "The Nude Women of Suicide Badminton"? -- Zoë: They cause peace and serenity that the foolish cannot see, and that evil cannot stand up to. Torg: Pretty! -- Torg: So, that is it? Zoë: We should leave the book here and go. -- Torg: What was the whole deal with you being the *"Storm Breaker?"* It never even rained! Zoë: Symbolism. Kizke was the storm that would have swept the world, and I stopped him. -- Torg: If I was a prophet I wouldn't waste time with vague symbolism! I'd have prophesied you the *"Bug Squisher"!* Then you'd have known to wear big boots! That way you wouldn't have demon-guts between your toes right now! Zoë: And thus, the serenity runs away from me faster than a blind date. | Flag | ||||
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=== Zoë: You sure it's OK to let Kiki swim out in the /*ocean?*/ Riff: Sure, I gave her a ferret floatation [sic: should be "flotation"] device. Torg: What's that? Riff: One of those /*arm floatie-things.*/ -- Kiki (floating upright on the water stuffed in an arm-tube): Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale! A tale of a fateful trip! -- Bun-Bun: /*Avast!*/ Kiki: Eek! Are you gonna keel-haul me? Bun-Bun: Quit /*worrying!*/ I was just going to give you a little /*poke.*/ -- Kiki: Whew! <Poke> -- (Kiki is now floating upside down; Bun-Bun sails away) Bun-Bun: Heh heh. === Note: Saturdays brought to you by Clay Yount of _Rob and Elliot_ <http://www.robandelliot.cycomics.com/>! | Flag | ||||
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=== Stick-Figure-Riff: It's got me! (The Stick-Figure-Terrifying-Hideous-Creature that kind of looks like a shark, but has two jaws full of sharp teeth, has Stick-Figure-Riff by the neck) Stick-Figure-Torg (shooting at the Stick-Figure-Terrifying-Hideous-Creature): *The Zap-a-Tron is having no effect!* <zippy zippy zippy> -- Stick-Figure-Riff (now completely in the creature's largest jaw, trying to hold it open): Torg, when the conbobatron shifted reality, only one thing was sheltered from the reality-shift in my reality-shift-proof-box! Behind you! -- Stick-Figure-Torg (next to a photo of a pencil): A giant pencil? -- Stick-Figure-Riff: Use the eraser-end, Torg! *The eraser!* *ARGH!!!* (the Stick-Figure-Terrifying-Hideous-Creature snaps its jaws shut, severing Stick-Figure-Riff's head from his body, which is now in the creature's mouth) <Snip!> | Flag | ||||
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Cindy: You're one beautiful lady short tonight, Dex! I've got a date! Zoë: So, Dex, would you rather spend your night in a drunken stupor with a bunch of Neanderthals, tripping over logs and belching at each other? -- Max: Torg, man, you're pretty cool! *(*)Belch!(*)* Torg: *(*)Belch(*)!* We're, like, belching at each other! Bert: **I have smelt this puddle of beer and am BUZZED, I tell you! BUZZED!** Smit: Sorry, guys, it's been fun, but I got a date! -- Angela: Do you know when Torg will be back? Zoë: When he comes-to most likely. Flaky: "One will never come-to again. One will never return. We shall join the dead, one at a time. And all our souls shall burn." -- Dex: There "Flaky" goes again! Fay: Flaky? Did you get a premonition? Flaky: No. Goth fortune cookie. -- Dex: Mine says "Just die, you big dumb jerk!" Anybody want to trade? Zoë: This is the last time we order Goth-Chinese-Take-Out! Who wants my "Angst-Fried Rice"? Flaky: The "Wurld-so-dum" is pretty good! Fay: Dibs on the "General Tso Whut"! -- Header: Sluggy Freelance | KITTEN Cindy: Finally alone! Smit: Yeah, baby! -- Cindy: I don't know about you, but Flaky's giving me the creeps. And with all of us college kids out in the woods tonight, I almost feel like I'm in some weird low budget slasher flick! Smit: God, I hope not! The black guy always dies in those! Cindy: Well, what about me? I'm the obviously promiscuous one who'd get axed right after my topless scene! -- Smit: Yeah, I'd probably go out with some stupid-ass pun like "I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached to my neck!" Cindy: Yeah, then your head would land in my lap, causing me to go screeching through the woods yelling stuff like... -- Cindy: /**LOOK OUT! KITTEN!**/ -- Kitten (sitting in the middle of the road): **mew.** -- <***SWERVE!***> -- <***CRASH!***> (Smit's van crashes into a tree) -- Cindy: Smit? Are you all right? Smit: Yeah. Thank God for seat-belts. -- Smit: So, about that topless scene... Cindy: Smit? You just totaled your van. Maybe you should quit while you're ahead! -- (The kitten slashes Smit's head off and it lands in Cindy's lap) <**SSSLASH!**> <***POP***> -- Cindy (struggling to get out of the car): ***EEEEEAAAAAAAA!*** -- Cindy (on the ground, where she fell getting out of the car): **EEEEEAAAAAAAA!** -- Cindy (running away through the woods): **EEEEEAAAAAAAA!** Kitten: **mew.** -- Bun-Bun: Hi! I'm supposed to be narrating this thing, but I really don't have too much to add. Oh, I would like to commend the creator of this Sunday strip, it's the first one to really scare me. It's scary how badly we telegraphed that punchline. Here's to hoping for that topless scene. | Flag | ||||
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=== Stick-Figure-Riff: *Torg! What the hell is going on? Look at us!* Stick-Figure-Torg: Well, Pete went on vacation, and needed to rush this week, so we are having *stick-figure week!* -- Stick-Figure-Riff: Who's Pete? Stick-Figure-Torg: He's the guy who draws this comic. -- Stick-Figure-Riff: *"Draws?"* That point is debatable. Stick-Figure-Torg: You should see Bun-Bun! | Flag | ||||
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=== Caption: Meanwhile in the Dimension of Sluggy... (Gwynn bangs on Riff's door) Gwynn: *Riff, get out of there!* Zoë: Riff, I know it hurts. Gwynn: *Our insurance doesn't cover this!* Zoë: But a scab will never heal if you don't stop /picking/ at it... <BAM> <BAM> -- (Riff opens a dimensional portal) <***Zappo!***> Riff: Torg? Is it you? An alt-Torg: R-Riff? Riff: Yes. -- Zoë (against the door): Not... not that Torg's a /"scab",/ it's just... | When /you/ guys and Bun-Bun vanished for months, /I/ moved on and my life actually impr... um... what I'm trying to say is... An alt-Torg (off panel): Zoë. -- (Gwynn approaches the door with an axe) Gwynn: Move. -- An alt-Torg: And Gwynn's here too! /Perfect!/ Now all I need to begin cloning my harem of loveslaves are Aubrey, Peejee and Gabe! ***Bah Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!** Riff: ... -- (Gwynn breaks down the door.) <***CRK***> <***CRK***> Gwynn: **Riffington --** An alt-Torg: Did I say that out loud...? -- (Riff closes the portal) <***ZAPPO!***> Riff: I'm taking precautions this time! -- Riff: An alternate Riff from "The Dimension of Partially Clips" lent me this /Dimensional Flux-TV!/ | It lets me see Torgs before pulling them in. "Sort before you transport". DFTV: Welcome to the Dimension of Poing Horribiki! Yaaaay! <Poing!> <Poing!> -- Gwynn: So that gives us Torgs who /look/ like Torgs but transform into evil /robots/ -- Zoë: He could scan their /environment/ too. Match it to the Dimension of Lame. Narrow it down. DFTV: Like sand through the hourglass, so fall the Torgs of our lives. Torgs: Ow! Ow! Ow! -- Riff: No match. Gwynn: *Look at me when I'm screaming at you!* Zoë (determined): There's... a chance! === Note: /The Sluggite Koan,/ Written by _T Campbell_ <http://www.tcampbell.net>, illustrated by _H.S. Kim <http://krazykimchi.com>. | Flag | ||||
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=== Gwynn: I'll show you, Riff! I'll create an unrequited love potion! -- Gwynn: He'll fall madly in love with me, and pine away knowing it can never be! That'll teach him to call me an evil witch! -- (Gwynn looks down at her cauldron and realizes what she's doing) -- Gwynn: Oh. === Note: These two weeks brought to you by the venerable Clay Yount of _Cosmobear_ <http://www.cosmobear.cycomics.com/> and _Rob and Elliot!_ <http://www.robandelliot.cycomics.com/> | Flag | ||||
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=== Wizard (pointing a staff and the Spear of Calmadar at Mosp as she picks up her swords): Mosp! Bla blablaBlabla bla Blablabla bla Bla blaBlablabla bla Blabla bla... (as the wizard is speaking he fires his instruments at Mosp and also hits Isp and Osp who are flying in for the attack with arrows) -- (Mosp transforms into Mospinispinosp) -- (Mosp has changed from a female holding to swords to a female with no mouth and swords for hands -- with Isp and Osp connected to her head like two pony tails; she stands momentarily defeated in front of the wizard) -- Asp #2 (Osp): Asp, I like working with you, buddy, but you're in my personal space! Asp #1 (Isp; looking at Mosp's hands as she holds them up): Look, Asp! Now we've got cool spikes! -- Isp and Osp: *They Work!!!* (as Mosp stabs the Wizard) -- Wizard: Yadda.... yad...da... -- Isp: Hey do you think we should have been listening to what that wizard was saying? Osp: Naw, those mortals are always talking. Less talking, more shish-kabobbing! Isp: What's a shish-kabob? Osp: $4.95 | Flag | ||||
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=== Torg: So here I am waiting for a brainwashed acrobatic assassin to take me off to marry her because of a promise I made to protect a friend. -- Torg: It doesn't matter what I do, I can't stop her without putting my friends at risk. I have no choice but to go with her. -- Torg: Nope, no choice but to go with her. -- Torg: /*ANY MINUTE NOW!*/ -- Torg: Man, I wish I had a Gameboy. | Flag | ||||
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=== Caption: Somewhere in the woodlands of Pennsylvania: Oasis: Here I am, alive again. Suddenly sane, /but I remember.../ -- </Flashback (in blue)> Oasis: How can we get married while I'm in here? Torg: Here's my address. I'll wait for you at home. I'm leasing this big old house with my friend Riff. You remember him? </End flashback> -- Oasis: Torg's address. Letters and numbers all shifted around like I was dyslexic, or dreaming. I... know many things, many facts, but everything from my last life is fuzzy around the edges. -- Oasis: Last life. *How many times have I died?* And you, you crazy old man. *What have you done to me?* -- </Flashback (in blue)> Dr. Steve (looking into a tank): You have started on a path to realize your true potential. To go farther than any of those fools thought possible! </End flashback> -- Oasis: A path to knowing myself. I guess this path is as good as any. -- Oasis (walking away into the woods): Torg, I love you, and I know our time apart must be torturous for you, but you're just going to have to wait for me. -- (A Torg doll sits on the hill, attached to a string of bells) -- (The string of bells lies in the grass leading to...) -- (...Torg and Riff sitting in the house, playing a video game; the string of bells tied to his left arm) <***ZAP***> <**WAP**> <***SLAP***> <**BAM**> <**CLANK**> <**SMACK**> | Flag | ||||
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=== Torg: Well, I guess Oasis is not showing. Did Dr. Schlock leave? Riff: In a puff of smoke. -- Torg: "A puff of smoke"? Kiki: He blew up! -- Dr. Irving Schlock (holding a bomb marked "FLASH"): *I did not "blow-up"*, I just mixed up my blinding "flash bomb" with my "smoke bomb" and stood a little too close! I hate long goodbyes so *see-you-never* you *deadweights!* -- <***FLASH!***> -- (Dr. Schlock leaves the house, nude; his suitcase hiding his private parts) Dr. Schlock: Damn literal sight-gags. Torg (off-panel; in the house): Where are my emergency pants? | Flag | ||||
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=== Torg: Just heard about Sasha. I've got some bad news. She's been moved from intensive care. She's going to be all right. Gwynn: What's bad about that? -- Torg: She's going to have to stay in the hospital a few weeks and eat that horrible hospital food. No more tube feeding for her! -- Riff: Tube feeding is cool! I could design some wrist-whip tubes with little vacuum ends! Gwynn: Glad to see you're so concerned about Sasha's well-being, Riff. (Torg's snatches the straws out of two drinks) <**SNAG**> -- Torg: /*BEHOLD MY FLEXI-FEED-TUBES!*/ -- (Torg holds one straw over Gwynn's plate) Torg: Slurp-slurp! You going to finish that... what is it? Gwynn (annoyed): Tofu. -- Torg: *OH YUK!* Gwynn: What do you care if you're eating it through a tube? And how much coffee *did* you have today? -- Torg: It just /feels/ wrong! I'm getting this image in my head of a little soybean running around screaming "*PEOPLE! Tofu is made out of PEOPLE!"* -- (Torg slams his fist against the wall, covering his eyes) <Wham!> Torg: *"OH, THE BEANMANITY!"* Gwynn: I wish I had my glasses so I could see where to plant my foot. Kiki (distressed): *Don't eat it!* | Flag | ||||
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=== Dr. Chen (narrating): That's my report. In summation, the traitorous Dr. Schlock was responsible for the ultimate death of our Aylee, Dr. Kirko, and your personal attaché, Killum. However, we've narrowed the location of Dr. Steve's base-lab to a few hundred square miles, and the presence of the other Aylee indicates the secrets to cloning the alien life form lies [sic: either it should be "secret" or it should be "lie"] within the mind of Dr. Schlock. -- Chen: Both Oasis and Aylee projects are recoverable. -- Daedalus: You seem nervous, Chen. Chen: Despite the information I've gathered, I fear the failures outweigh. Daedalus: Nonsense. You're going places, Chen. -- Chen: Places, Daedalus? Daedalus: Straight to the top. | Flag | ||||
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=== Caption: Note from Pete: Due to my desire to spend most of Father's Day with my family, the Sunday that was supposed to appear today (Monday (Yeah, I know, long story)) will appear Tuesday! I apologize for the inconvenience, but I figured I'd give you all a *sneak peak at tomorrow's comic!* Like a trailer! *Check this phenomenal panel from tomorrow's comic!* - Chen (with a diabolical smile): Now, where were we? Ah yes... - WHY did Dr. Chen forget where he was? HOW did he remember so quickly? WHY did he say "Ah yes" instead of "Oh no?" And WHERE is the "where" he speaks of? Answers to these questions and more in tomorrow's SLUGGY FREELANCE | Flag | ||||
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=== (Gwynn, Bert and Riff on the sofa) Gwynn: It looks like that's the end of Hereti-Corp. Riff: We both know Chen wasn't a C.E.O. H-C may be done, but the baddest-guys are still out there. Bert: *Bah.* -- Gwynn: Didn't you move out of here, Bert? Bert: *Of course, wench!* -- (Gwynn and Bert sit in silence) -- Gwynn: Well? Bert: *I wish you well, as WELL!* -- Gwynn: Maybe I'm missing something here... Bert: *That's why I moved out to begin with!* | Flag | ||||
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Caption: Somewhere far away: Daedalus: So Hereti-Corp has fallen. But we will rise from its ashes like a Phoenix! Dan-Met? -- Dan-Met: We've recovered a few of our more profitable projects, such as the Kusari project. But we can't surface in this climate, Daedalus. Daedalus: That is fine. It will take time to raise the capital we need. --- Kusari: How can I be of assistance? Daedalus: Kusari, you will be the key to our... - <*click*> - (The room is suddenly flooded with light; everybody shields their eyes) --- BurgerMeister manager: I told you guys before you can't all go on break at the same time! Someone's got to be on register! And put your hats on! And leave the lights on. It's creepy. -- Daedalus (off panel; inside BurgerMeister): *But... but...* Manager (off panel; inside BurgerMeister): *No "buts",* you bunch of slackers! -- Roberts: See? I told you they were goofing off! Daedalus: *Roberts, you shall rue the day, you brownnoser!* | Flag | ||||
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Weaselo: You can't stop the magic bus of Hoggelrynth! But everyone loves Hoggelrynth! You will too! -- Weaselo: I'm having /Zippy Zarrana's Bubbly Brew!/ Each bubble is a different color and every sip tastes like a different flavor gumdrop! What magical drink are you partaking in? Torg: /Schlitz./ -- Caption: Later... Torg (burping in technicolor): /*belch!*/ Weaselo (pointing to a can of Schlitz that he's been drinking out of): Now *that'sh* magic! -- *Note from the Management:* We here at Sluggy Freelance are opposed to giving drawings of alcohol to drawings of underage children unless it's funny. And hell, when isn't it? *More Important Note:* Torg doesn't drink Schlitz. We just ran out of prop-budget. | Flag | ||||
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Goobergal (off panel): You've all been sorted into one of our four houses. The overly curious *Poinginoh.* -- (Red banner of a gold dragonish creature eating things; Torg, Homogenize and Weaselo sit with others) Goobergal (off panel): The noble and ravenous *Snackewyrm.* -- (Yellow banner of a dog doing its business, with a 'no' circle/slash over it; three students and four flies at this table) Goobergal (off panel): The conscientious yet pungent *Pooperscoop.* -- (A green banner of a bunny wielding a sword and an axe; snarling students beneath, including Ralfoy Malfoy.) Goobergal (off panel): And house *Wunnybun,* because we like keeping all our bad guys in one place for simplified management. -- Goobergal (as a cat): Remember, your house is like your family here. Your triumphs will earn you points for your house. Any rule breaking will lose you points. Points are redeemable at the end of the year at our Hoggelrynth gift shop. Now, a word from our headmaster. -- Comic Title: Sluggy Freelance presents: | Torg Potter and the Sorcerer's Nuts (A frieze presenting the teachers): Professor Santory Snapekin: Potions Professor Squirrelle: Protection from Dark and Poorly Drawn Art Professor Boogeyna Goobergal: Transmogrification Busdolf Gandledorf: Headmaster Professor Willowstick: Charms Tawny Quichons: Animals, Vegetables and Minerals Madame Koochie-koochie: Defying Gravity Gandledorf: On behalf of the entire teaching staff I would like to offer this heartfelt welcome to our first year students, to the /*Hoggelryth [sic: Should be "Hoggelrynth"] School of Magic!*/ -- Gandledorf: Some announcements: A great wizard known only as 'The Sorcerer' is visiting us. He is to be left in peace. -- Gandledorf (off panel): Along that note, all students are to keep away from the third floor west wing unless they wish their forearm skin to be stripped off to the elbow like pieces of string cheese, unto death. Torg: Who's the creepy looking teach who's been giving me the evil eye? Student #1: That's Professor Snapekin. Head of Wunnybun House. -- Gandledorf (off panel): Also, reminding all students that they are not to wander the halls after curfew unless they wish their eyes plucked out and to then be strangled by their retina cords unto death. Student #1 (off panel): He teaches Potions, but you know it's the Dark and Poorly Drawn Art that /he/ fancies. -- (Snapekin glares evilly at Torg) Gandledorf (off panel): One last note from the cooking staff: -- Gandledorf (off panel): Anyone unhappy with the meal planning should keep their opinions to themselves. Unless they wish for a severe tongue-lashing. Weaselo: I can bloody live with that! Gandledorf: Unto death. Weaselo: /*D'oh*/ -- Quite Overlicked Nick: /*THEY MEAN IT TOO!*/ Student #2: */It's "Quite Overlicked Nick"!/ The ghost of House Snackewyrm!* -- Nick: *Torg the Lastnameless One! /Haha!/* Well we expect great things of you! *Terrible,* yet great! And maybe nice and great! *And awfully terribly nice.* -- Homogenize: How does someone die from a /tongue-lashing,/ really? Nick: It was three hundred years ago, on blood-pudding and headcheese night! Torg: *Check, please!* | Flag |
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